Written by Renee Brush, Ph.D.

For the past several years, my healing work has revolved around building my self-love and self-worth. This issue is very common for those of us with a history of trauma and I see it in the majority of my clients. It is difficult for many of us to feel good about ourselves when someone close to us is trashing us in some way, usually on a daily basis.

One thing I have noticed that will destroy my hard work on loving myself occurs when I compare myself to others. Growing up, most of my validation came from external sources, when I was trying to make others happy by being perfect, or by meeting some standard that others held. I think comparing myself to others was a sort of gauge to make sure I was “measuring up.” The problem with this strategy is that it usually means that we will lose in the comparison and our self-esteem takes a huge hit. 

How comparing myself to others affected me

You may have found this blog through my Instagram page. I started that account in 2020 with huge goals of consistent posting, adventuring into reels and stories, and ultimately building my audience. I started out well enough and had some early success. 

I began focusing on education in the area of complex trauma, which is my specialty in my practice, but it is also so many other people’s specialty. These other people included not just therapists but coaches as well. There were SO many people posting in this area and I followed a bunch of them that really resonated with me. 

Unfortunately, that meant I continued to consume their content. And I couldn’t help but notice how cute/professional/creative/polished their graphics were or how detailed their content was. Or how much content they posted. And never mind the entertaining/open/honest/courageous reels that they posted regularly. The more I consumed, the less confident I became in what I was posting. And then I would beat myself for not being able to post a reel. And I would freeze up anytime I even started to think about an idea for a reel, let alone making one. 

Even exploring this issue with my business coach did not help. My coach and others in the group recommended that I quit following other similar content creators (my “competitors”). I did not do that, which definitely was a mistake. What did happen though is that I ended up taking a break – a very long break – from posting and even being on Instagram. 

When I look back over my life, I can see other ways that this affected me too. In high school, in the 9th or 10th grade, I was third in my class but, by the time I graduated, I was fifth. I still have anger for the girl who finished third. In graduate school, I wasn’t presenting as much as others. In my doctoral fellowship, I wasn’t publishing as much as others. Once that was over, I didn’t publish my dissertation. I didn’t have as many kids as others I know. I didn’t have a marriage that lasted as long. I don’t have as big a house or as nice of a car. 

And on and on and on it goes… The more I compared, the worse I felt. 

Is comparing myself to others bad?

Hopefully, you can see by my example, that, for me, self-comparison never worked out very well. I always ended up being the loser. I have shared with you in earlier posts that I held a doctorate when I worked as a retail manager. Even comparing myself to the store manager, I wouldn't focus on how I had earned this doctorate, I would focus on how I was not as good a store manager as her - I wasn’t pulling in as much money in my store, or my store wasn’t as clean. 

Research supports the fact that comparing ourselves to others can create a deeper sense of depression for us (Baker & Algorta, 2016). The problem is, in this scenario, such as on social media, we are comparing our messy real selves to other people’s finished selves. People don’t usually post their raw or unedited photos - they post the photos that have been edited and touched up. Perfect! We are unable to know the truth behind the image of what people put out into the world, but we do know how difficult our own lives are. 

Can comparing myself to others be beneficial?

When I started writing this, I felt pretty sure that self-comparison had its foundation in a trauma-response. So I was surprised to see there were articles encouraging self-comparison and research showing the benefit for using self-comparison. This is one of the reasons why I include research.

In their review, Baker and Algorta (2016) found that depression in participants was diminished when people posted their own positive posts. Sharing their own positive news seemed to break them out of obsessing over someone else’s news. In another study, van de Ven, Zeelenberg, and Pieters (2011) found that, when people compared themselves to other people with some desired trait, they were more likely to improve their performance at a task, especially if they thought the required training was attainable. Thus, seeing someone had attained a skill caused the participants to work to attain the same skill. 

 So, self-comparison does not have to be a bad thing. It can actually help motivate people to improve themselves if used properly. I can see this. As I have been writing this, I was reminded of my senior year in high school. The summer prior, I had just had a falling out with that “friend” of mine (who really had been a bully). We both were on the cross country team, but she missed a lot of practices whereas I was at every practice. But, she was a better athlete than me, so when she did show up, she would outrun me. I was so mad every time she did show up. The coach supported me and encouraged me to simply try to keep up with the next person in practice. If I was falling behind, keep up with the next person, and so on. So, he was using social comparison to help me run a bit harder and longer each time. 

How can I stop comparing myself to others?

So, while self-comparison can be a good thing, for me and the majority of my clients, comparing ourselves only serves to maintain us in a downward cycle of inner criticism. This is a cycle that we are never going to win - mainly because what we did was never good enough for the people in our lives. So, because of that, we will probably never find what we do is good enough. In order for us to heal, we need to find ways to break out of that cycle. It is all about breaking that cycle!

One of the first things I had to keep in mind in relation to posting on Instagram is that I was comparing myself to other people who have been doing this a lot longer than me - and who may have social media people working for them. In other words, the face of the page may not have been the one who was responsible for all of the content creation and posting. So, I was comparing myself as a newbie to others who were more experienced than I.

One thing that I decided to do was to begin this blog. Journaling is one way that we can build a better sense of self and blogging is really just a very public journal. I decided it was not just enough for me to post content. I wanted to write about moving PAST the trauma. I noticed so much of the content on Instagrame is ABOUT the trauma and consequent reactions. But, once I stepped away from IG and looked deep inside, I realized that the content was triggering all of my symptoms and perhaps keeping me stuck there. Who wants to stay stuck? Not me. And so many of my clients and people I know (including myself) get so frustrated, they can even start to feel hopeless with this work. I want to share hope with the world. That’s a lofty goal – and one I didn’t even realize I had until I started writing this blog. 

Another thing I did was to become more embodied. I have talked in several previous posts about how I have been dissociated much of my life, which means being disconnected from my body and my emotions. This means I don’t always know what I need - like to quit consuming content that is triggering me! But, as I have been more comfortable with feeling the sensations in my body, I have been better able to know what I need and then give it to myself. This helps me not get stuck scrolling through Instagram or Facebook as often or as long. 

In addition to noticing my internal reactions, I also quit “abandoning” myself. This is related to the shut-down I just mentioned. Pete Walker calls this “self-abandonment” when we neglect our own needs as adults, learned in childhood when we had to put other people’s needs first. I intentionally began to make sure I was taking care of my needs. If I noticed the signals that I was shut down, I chose to do something to help me feel better. We call this “self-care.” I will talk more on this topic in another post. But, if I love myself, then I know that I deserve to do something that helps me feel better! And, alternatively, doing something nice for ourselves is a sign that we have value and are worthy! 

Of course, I am a firm believer in affirmations. I feel like a post on why affirmations work is called for, but know this for now… childhood abuse brainwashes to believe the negative things about us. Affirmations are like recording over those messages and, with repetition, will become the thing we believe. The best one I can think of here is “I am good enough as I am.” We may not believe it now, but with time we will start to believe it.

If you feel like comparisons are important, try comparing yourself to where you were at one month ago or one year ago. Even five or ten years ago. This is probably by far the best way to compare ourselves. Our progress is best measured by how far we have come, especially since we know where we once were at. Since we are likely seeing edited or filtered pictures from the creators we follow, we don’t know where they have been or what they have been through. They may have struggled like you or they may have had it easy. We may never know. But you will always know where you have been. And, as you are comparing yourself to the past you, also give yourself a pat on the back for the progress!

Also, remember that self-comparison can be a good thing. So, it is important to ask yourself, “Is this a helpful comparison?” If so, then figure out how you can use it to motivate yourself to do something better. If not, then stop the comparison and tell yourself something nice instead (like “I am good enough just as I am!”). 

None of these activities are a “one and done” solution. It takes time, repetition, and, honestly, owning the message that we are important, have value, and deserve to be seen! And the more we believe those things, the less we will believe the negative things and the more self-love/self-confidence/self-worth we will have. 

I hope this has been helpful. Please take a moment and think about what you might be able to do for yourself to move away from comparing yourself to others and beginning to own your strengths! If you feel so compelled, please share with us in the comments below. 

References

Baker, D. A., & Algorta, G. P. (2016). The relationship between online social networking and depression: A systematic review of quantitative studies. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 10(11), 638-648. DOI: 10.1089/cyber.2016.0206

Van de Ven, N., Zeelenberg, & Pieters, R. (2011). Why envy outperforms admiration. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 37(6). DOI: 10.1177/0146167211400421