When Religion Hurts Us: Religious Trauma

By Renee Brush, Ph.D.

I realize that some of you that have found this website and my blog may be put off by my connecting psychology with spiritual work. If you are anything like I was growing up, especially in graduate school, I needed proof that God existed or that miracles could happen. And I just didn’t see it. 

But, in my healing, I’ve come to understand that religion has been used to hurt me in some way. Up until recently, I would not have labeled it as “religious trauma,” but any time someone uses comments, actions, and, yes, even beliefs to hurt us, then that can be trauma. 

I think this is important to discuss, especially as with more healing, I am finding myself drawn back toward religion - or at least spirituality. I have shared my story on this, but my story would not be complete without discussing what may have pushed me away from religion in the first place. Many people are raised in the church and so have a different upbringing. I was not, so I had to find my way here and obviously, it has been a bumpy road. But, also, I am not the only one that has been hurt by religion and so spreading the word helps others to heal as well.

How Can Religion Be Traumatic? 

When we talk about religious trauma, it is very easy and much quicker for people to think of major events in this world that would qualify as religious trauma - religious authorities like pastors or priests sexually abusing members, the Holocaust, even the Christian Crusades across many parts of the world throughout history. Those events scream out Trauma with a capital T. 

Yes, those are definitely the most obvious forms of trauma from a religious perspective. But these events overshadow a more common but more covert form of religious trauma. And that is often from the doctrine taught within the confines of the church’s walls. 

My mom was raised Methodist and, if I remember correctly, they went to church regularly, at least when she was younger. As we were growing up, she said several times that she did not want to push any religion on us. She wanted us to grow up and decide for ourselves what religion we wanted to follow. I did not even realize until I was in my 40s that she actually did raise us based on the religious teachings she received as a child.

I remember being on a road trip with my husband at the time. He had turned on “The Prairie Home Companion” radio show and I was listening to it. The host was talking about some little town in Minnesota where he knew a woman who was a fantastic artist, but she could not tell anyone about it because she was Methodist. She couldn’t share her art pieces or tell anyone about the shows she was in BECAUSE she was Methodist. I was confused. He went on to describe how Methodists are taught that any type of pride is a sin and should be avoided at all cost. 

That brief story helped so much of my life start to make sense. Even when I was being bullied and needed to feel something good about myself, I was punished for speaking nice about myself. One nice comment about myself and my mom had me looking up the word “conceited.” If you read my post on recognizing how special you are, then you know that one moment was the start of years - decades, honestly - of being unable to feel any type of self-worth. Now I realize that there is a difference between humble self-pride and arrogant, boastful pride. The former is necessary for healthy development.

And then I remember one of my closest friends in high school, Shelly. When we went to college, she attended the local community college and then the University of Michigan near where she lived. I went two hours away to college. When I came home, we always got together. We would go out to Bennigan’s and share a huge plate of nachos. Then we would go out for a movie or do something fun before returning to her house for a sleepover. One night, I arrived at her house and she was talking to the man who was about to become her brother-in-law. Shelly’s fiancé and his family were Baptist. She told her soon-to-be brother-in-law that I was taking her to dinner and then we were going dancing. Oops. I then heard about how he thought I was the Devil for taking her to go do something so evil. Obviously this really is a thing - there was a whole movie based on this theme. She tried to talk me out of being upset by his comments, but they still sting to this day. 

Photo by Matt Palmer on Unsplash

The Trauma in Religion

Many people find support, love, and belonging in their church. And, if this is true for you, I am so very happy for you! Having that community is so important and that support, love, and belonging are part of a healthy development. 

My guess is that churches like these are run by pastors or priests who speak mostly of acceptance, love, forgiveness. They speak of God as a loving and forgiving God. 

But I also realize that not all people get these things from a church. I did not attend church regularly so I never experienced this sense of community and belonging. I know there are people that have regularly attended church who also have not found that sense of community and belonging. 

I also know that my experience with religious trauma is mild and cannot compare to many others. I have been hesitant to share my own experience, in fact. When I was doing my research for this piece, I ran across the blog of a woman who escaped a very strict and controlling religion (the link to her blog is in the references). She and people like her have experienced much worse. On her website was a quiz on religious trauma and, when I took it, my score was negative, suggesting I did not have religious trauma. I sat with that with for awhile - and then I realized that a person who grows up without a self-esteem, a fundamentally-important part of development, based on one person’s religious upbringing IS religious trauma, even if it doesn’t meet someone else’s narrowly defined view. And I know I’m not alone… and so I wanted to share my measly story for those others…

I am thinking of people who quit going to church because they are LGBTQ and their church and sometimes even their family told them that their sexual orientation is a sin. 

I am thinking of people who have had abortions. 

Or divorced their spouse. 

Or who broke ties with and went no contact from an emotionally-immature and abusive parent. 

These people made the best choices they could for their own lives but their church authority and members talked of sin and shame to the extent that these people ended up leaving the church altogether. Maybe losing their community, which means another loss in a line of losses. 

To me, this speaks of doctrine. A church leader that speaks of love, acceptance, and forgiveness is very different from a church leader that speaks of fire and brimstone. Any doctrine that prevents us from feeling good about ourselves is unhealthy and unhelpful. Any doctrine that causes us to exile ourselves from a church or even our own selves is traumatic. Any doctrine that would seek to control others is also traumatic and divisive. Any doctrine that would cause us to hate or judge others is not teaching from the Bible or the word of Jesus, based on what I have been learning.

Unfortunately, I think our country is at this spot right now. There is a large part of the country whose religions just want to control everyone and everything else. And the religious leaders seek to control what their congregation does. These are considered high-demand types of religions, where perhaps the family is frequently at church and most of their friends are from church.  

The problem is that these types of churches end up creating more divisiveness. The trend in church attendance overall is that people are leaving the church - I think in large part because of the level of control and divisiveness. Who wants to spend a good part of their week doing something that ultimately makes them feel bad? If the pastor or priest in a church is preaching about fire and brimstone, people are going to leave and reconsider their relationship with God. 

And that’s healthy. And probably needed. 

Photo by Maxim Hopman on Unsplash

Putting It All Together

If you are a person who has experienced the type of trauma we are discussing today, I am so very sorry you had to deal with that. Please know you are not alone and I hope that you have sought out help from someone who is knowledgeable in this area. If you have not, I suggest that you do. Find someone, a therapist, that helps you feel comfortable with them so that one day you will share the story you need to. Also know that you are not to blame for what happened. 

If you have left a church that did you harm, then good for you! 

If you have a church and you are happy where you are, then good for you too! 

If you are able to still have a relationship with God/Universe/Source (whatever feels comfortable to you) but do not go to church, then good for you! 

If you are not ready to have a relationship with God/Universe/Source, then good for you! 

I celebrate all of you! And I SEE all of you. 

Only you get to decide how you handle a painful situation. And whatever decision you have made, please trust it is the right decision for you right now. 

I think that, whatever you decide, part of the process may have to include deconstructing your religious or spiritual beliefs. Drumsta (2022) discusses this process as “piecing apart one’s beliefs to find what is real or true while detoxing from unhealthy mindsets and structures.” Each religious authority will have their own interpretation of the Bible or God’s teachings and we each are then responsible for deciding if we agree with that specific teacher’s interpretation. This can be true for a specific teacher or a complete religion (for example, if you disagree with the Catholic church’s stand on abortion). This seems much easier to do if you were not already indoctrinated within some religion. If you were, I do hope that you get the help of a therapist who can help with figuring this out. One point though, some therapists may be just as indoctrinated as the next congregation member, so you will want to make sure this person knows how to deal with religious trauma.

If you want to have that relationship with God/Universe/Source, but do not know what to do, then it may be time for some self-reflection. How do you want to develop that relationship with the Divine? If it involves church, then maybe it’s time for some research. Ask your friends about their churches. Attend several different churches where you feel called to attend. After the service, check in to see how you felt. What doctrine were they describing? Did it feel good to you? If it feels right to you, you will know. Remember back to what we discussed about “yes” and “no” energy. Go with what your gut tells you. 

For me, I wanted to work with someone who believes, like me, that God is a loving, forgiving, and compassionate being who only wants the best for us. As for church, I currently still feel very jaded about many of the structured, organized religions. I know they are not all like Methodists or Catholics or Baptists, but I also am not feeling motivated enough to try. I’ve done enough deconstruction to know that I want my church to support all sexual orientations and all races/ethnicities. I want a church that is inclusive and supportive - not divisive and controlling. 

When I was going through my spiritual crisis and talking with Linda about it, she shared a video of a pastor talking about how he works with new people. I instantly felt comfortable with his approach to non-Christians. I found him online and learned he was a pastor at a nondenominational church. And his church streams their service online and so I started watching his services. When he changed churches, I “moved” with him. 

Recently, I decided maybe I might be ready to consider a nondenominational church that is local. I have been reading the Bible on the YouVersion app. They have a “Discover” section that allows you to find churches in your area (Note, this is not an advertisement for this app and I will not receive anything if you use it. I’m sharing it because I found it helpful). I found one that streams their service online too and I was able to check out their website. They talked about being for this area, for the children, for families, and for racial unity - and all of their programs backed that up. So I started watching their online services. I have watched them for several weeks now. What I have noticed is that their message has remained true to their stated beliefs on their website and that feels authentic to me. I am building my courage up to go there in person. I’m even considering being baptized. But, one step at a time!

I hope you can find what feels right for you. I would be very honored if you walked some of that journey with me. I certainly will continue to share my journey on this as I go along, because this is still a work in progress. 

References

Drumsta, R. (2022). What’s the deal with faith deconstruction? Retrieved from: https://rebekahdrumsta.com/blog/whatsthedealwithfaithdeconstruction