Having Grace for Myself: Self-Compassion as an Antidote for Shame

Written by Renee Brush, Ph.D.

I have been writing this blog since mid-September and this [last] week, for the first time since starting, I did not post an article. Obviously, since you are reading this post, the world did not end and I’m writing a new post so I didn’t explode or have something terrible happen to me. But something even more bizarre but also healing and certainly more gentle is happening. 

I am holding grace for myself that it happened. 

The fact that I needed to hold grace for myself speaks to the years of shame that I have lived with - starting as a child.

The legacy of shame

Typically, when I commit to doing something and then don’t follow through, I beat myself up for my lack of following through. There are so many times I can think of. For example, when my time had ended at my postdoctoral fellowship, my research still needed to be written up for publication. I worked with two professors and I promised both of them I would keep working on it once I moved back to Virginia to return to living with my then-husband. I had every intention of it, but it never happened. 

So, I still am sensing a bit of shame left over for that specific example! To this day, I have not reached out to the one professor when I’ve seen him on Facebook or some other social media. The other professor sadly passed, but she always seemed more understanding of what was going on for me. 

But, as I have been working through other things that are more proximal to my everyday life, letting go of the shame has been ongoing work for me. 

I did work hard to get a post done last week. In fact, I was writing on religious trauma but with my and Linda’s work schedule, I just couldn’t make it happen. And then, Monday night I knew it couldn’t happen and I tried to shift to write down my thoughts that have been building on Black History Month and so I started a second post Tuesday morning. 

But Tuesday morning I sat thinking… no one is going to mind if I don’t post today. It will be ok if I don’t, especially since I’m not happy with what I have written. 

And then I also reminded myself… posting on the blog isn’t even my full-time job. No one is paying me to write these posts. So there isn’t a commitment, although I do feel like this blog is part of my deeper divine purpose. But there is no obligation to be posting articles weekly. It was something I decided because that is what felt right to me.  

But, back when the blog was starting to be birthed in my mind, I held a fear about my consistency. I have not stuck to much of anything in my life. I can’t tell you how much money I have spent on online art classes or dog training classes that I still have not finished - or even begun, for that matter. Or even supplies I have purchased to do hobbies in my home that never get used. When I started my Instagram page, I did not even remain consistent with that. I can’t even keep a consistent habit of cleaning my house. 

Kids are not born saying these things to themselves. They learn it from their parents and I have shared with you in past blogs how critical my mom was of me. And so, after years of being told about the many things I did wrong, with no emphasis on what I did right, I became very self-critical and built up a lot of shame. When parents treat a child this way, the child begins to think, “There is something wrong with me.” And I used to ask myself a lot, “What is wrong with you?” I have long felt there was something broken about me. Deborah (my therapist for those that are reading for the first time) had to spend a lot of time convincing me that this was not true.  

Fortunately, this week has shown me that I am convinced. I was able to not do something as planned and not beat myself up for it. 

A beautiful sunset in Virginia Beach, VA

Self-Compassion - a psychological term for grace

As I started looking up research on grace, I remembered that psychologists and people in the field do not really study that. They focus more on self-compassion. In reality, they are very close and I do use them interchangeably with my clients. Grace is certainly easier to say. 

Self-compassion was introduced by Dr. Kristen Neff and she describes it this way: “Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings” (Neff, nd, para 3). A review of the literature shows that holding self-compassion produces many positive benefits, including decreased anxiety and increased motivation for self-improvement (Riopel, 2023, Jan 25).

This is not about feeling sorry for yourself or letting yourself off the hook. Instead, it is recognizing that you are human and accepting that you made a mistake. It gives us some relief because we do not have to prove anything to anyone. Instead, it can help motivate us to figure out how to do things better. 

I can tell you that I have been able to accomplish more by being kind to myself than the years I was literally bullying myself. And that is exactly what we are doing when we internalize the messages - intentional or not - from our parents. We are bullying ourselves. And that self-criticism kept me stuck for many years.  

Self-Compassion in Action

There was a time back at the start of my healing journey where I felt a ton of shame about the poor decisions I made over my lifetime. But, as I have worked with Deborah, I have come to accept these decisions, even though they ultimately ended up hurting me, because I realized, in the exact moment I made those decisions, I did not know any better.  As they say, hindsight is always 20/20, and it is unfair to me to judge myself for decisions when there was absolutely no way for me to make different decisions. 

Back when I realized that this blog is part of my life’s purpose, I didn’t even worry about my lifelong lack of consistency. I simply dove right in and then everything about it became so easy. And now I have been writing and posting for five months. For many people, that is nothing when it comes to sticking to something. For many people, consistency is not an issue. But for those of us with trauma histories and mental health issues like PTSD, anxiety, and ADHD, consistency is a battle. And for the past couple months, I will admit it has been harder, with last week being the hardest yet. 

So, Monday, instead of being critical that I did not get the post done, I was able to recognize how busy my past week had been. Also, I was writing on a heavy topic and I realized at the last minute that I could not do it justice in the time I had allotted myself. Plus, after a long day, trying to put together a heavy article during the evening was not going to happen. And, honestly, as I’m writing this, I’m also seeing there is probably a seasonal depression affecting me like so many of my clients. It’s very subtle, but looking back I can see I have been less motivated to get things done. So, with all of this going on, I was able to see how all of these various factors played a part and I decided to hold off on the post and regroup. 

And then I went through this whole process again on Tuesday with the Black History Month post. I finished that post some time late on Tuesday, but I had doubts about the way it sounded and so I decided to not post it either. But, no judgment. No self-criticism. Just acceptance and self-compassion that I was making the best decision for me at that moment. 

Credit to www.thewildernesswalk.com

How to exercise grace and self-compassion

So, now that you are ready to practice self-compassion and to have some grace for yourself, how do you go about it?! Here are some tips for you. 

Contrary to what some may believe, self-compassion isn’t about trying to avoid the negative feelings. So you do have to let them be there and simply notice them. They may become more intense, but they will decrease in intensity with practice. And if you need some support, check out my posts on grounding.

Try treating yourself like you would a friend. If you would not say it to a friend, then do not say it to yourself. 

I think it helps to identify the negative thoughts. If that is something a parent would say, then, when that thought comes up, you can simply say to the thought, “I don’t believe that.” And reframe it to a more positive and supportive statement. I have been known to talk myself through things out loud. Of course, I’m mostly home alone with my dogs, so just be careful! 

You know, I also like my affirmations. Ones that fit here could be something like, “I’m human. I’m allowed to make mistakes,” or “Change isn’t easy, but it would help if I was nicer to myself.” 

Also, if something happens like with me being unable to have a post ready, self-compassion might help you figure out how to do something more effectively. For example, when we were working together on this website, my friend, Sarah, who is the artist responsible for the beautiful look of this site, had suggested that I have some ideas about posting schedules like “seasons” for TV shows. I didn’t give much thought to it, but I see the point now and it would make some sense to consider it. Having self-compassion allows me to consider that rather than feeling like some failure and quitting, which might have been my old reaction (prior to the healing). 

Also, Dr. Neff has a whole page of guided meditations and suggestions that can help you with developing your self-compassion. You can click the link here. The second to bottom meditation is one called “Soften Soothe Allow.” This is a great meditation when you are experiencing negative emotions that feel intense and unbearable. After practicing this with her, you might have an easier time handling the negative emotions on your own. 

When I started this blog, I never considered what would happen if - when - I would take a week off from posting. That was probably shortsighted on my part, but now I know. But, self-compassion is definitely a skill that we all need to develop as part of our healing journeys. It has definitely made my journey easier. 

References

Neff, K. (nd). Definition and Three Elements of Self-Compassion. Retrieved from: https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/

Riopel, L. (2023, Jan 25). 15 Most Interesting Self-Compassion Research Findings. Retrieved from: https://positivepsychology.com/self-compassion-research/