Getting Rooted: My First Experiences Inside Church

Mar 5

Renee Brush, Ph.D.

In January, when I wrote about this year’s goals, I stated my word for the year is “rooted.” The plan is to work on being more grounded and more present in my daily life. One of the ways I decided I was going to do that was to join a small group in the local church I had chosen, to start growing a community within the church, and to begin to develop a relationship with these people and with God. I know it’s only the beginning of March, but here is an update on how that is going.

Finding the Right Church

When I started reading the Bible last year and watching an out-of-state church service that was live streamed online, I soon started getting the message that I needed to find a local church to attend. The message essentially was that God wants us to have a community with whom we can grow through studying His word and worshiping together.

I took the message to heart and I looked in the “Discovery” tab of the YouVersion Bible app for local churches (note: this is not a paid endorsement). I wanted to find one that also live streamed their services so I could check them out before attending in person. Since I was going to go alone, I did not want to show up somewhere I would feel awkward or not like their message. The first couple times I looked, I could not find anything.

Then one day during my lunch hour, I was driving back to work on the highway from an appointment. I happened to look to my right and saw a building that said “Grace Bible Church.” I thought, “Hmm, I need some grace.” And I kept on driving and forgot about that moment.

A few weeks later, I received the message again to find a local church, so I pulled up the YouVersion app again and went to the Discovery tab. That day, at the top of the list was Grace Bible Church - and the memory above clicked in my mind. They had never been at the top of the page before. So I tapped on the name and checked them out. They had live streams of their services and, after reading their website, it looked like they had the same values as the out-of-state church I was watching. So, I started checking them out. And that was in August.

I thought about joining a small group that fall, but, as I looked at the groups, I felt anxiety in my heart. I didn’t feel ready to become part of a small group because I hadn’t even been inside that church yet. I didn’t want to meet with people who could be toxic church goers. As panic grew, I had a message that it was ok; that I could wait until I had checked out the church. And once I had this thought, I immediately felt at ease.

Even though I was in that church when I was given my word for this year, I have since realized that I was led to that particular church. God cares about what we need and I believe He knows that I need to feel safe and he continually guides me in that direction.

Me standing to an uprooted tree in Virginia Beach

Finding the Right Group

That one December service I went to - which I described in my New Year’s post - was the first time I had been to this church. And I was warmly welcomed. To be honest, the whole way there, I prayed to God to put the right - meaning safe and friendly - people in my path once I got there to help me out. And that prayer was answered.

As I shared some of my story with the people that I met, I did feel safe and, more importantly, at peace. So, I knew I was in the right place. That day I believed I over-shared with them, as trauma victims often do, but I find when I am around the people in this church, I often reveal more of myself than I mean to and it has always been ok. So I have begun to believe that this “oversharing” is actually God’s work, that I am meant to say these things, and to learn that I am safe. So far it has worked. So, I no longer worry about what comes out of my mouth (within reason, of course!)

Anyway, that December day, I went straight home to sign up for the small group I started to sign up for in the fall, but it wasn’t available yet. So, I waited patiently until the groups opened up for registration and I signed up for a Thursday night group in the location near my home. When I signed up, it asked if I had a preference for leaders and I put “someone who knows how to handle trauma.” I guess I expected they had a number of people ready to go to lead these classes.

The people I met in December had told me that if you don’t “vibe” with your group, you can always ask to change. This gave me some comfort. And I was waiting maybe not so patiently to hear back about the groups after registration was over.

Then I received my letter that said, “There will only be one group in Norfolk on Thursday.” My heart, honestly, was gripped with a bit of fear. What if I didn’t like the group? What if there was a difficult person in it who caused me to not feel safe? I had all of these types of thoughts.

Then I decided that I was going to leave it in God’s hands because He had not steered me wrong yet with this church.

However, that first Thursday, whew! The anxiety came roaring back. That was thankfully a therapy day, so Deborah and I processed my fears. All the negative core beliefs about being damaged and not good enough were there at the very surface. But, it wasn’t going to stop me from going. It was just making me very uncomfortable.

Fortunately, I had a plan. The trip to the church from work is about 15-20 minutes depending on traffic. There is a worship song that, when it plays, immediately helps my body to relax completely. I had already decided that I would play that song on repeat the whole trip. And I was going to pray for my emotional safety on the way there and ask for support in the meeting. There is a verse from Jesus that I also kept repeating to myself: “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you” (John 14:27 NIV).

Of course, there was crying, but there also developed a sense of peace that was very helpful as I arrived at the church. Once I entered the building, the people that were there helping us get checked in and finding our room were very helpful. So, that added more comfort.

The pastor spoke with us for a bit to start it all off. One thing he asked of us was to move through the class for the upcoming weeks by keeping a “yes” over our hearts and being open to whatever might come up for us. I took this request personally and deeply. Not only did I want to build a community, I wanted to figure out how I could fit in with the church and find ways to serve, which were things I had no real idea about.

After the pastor was done and left, the leaders introduced themselves and then the group members all introduced ourselves. There are a total of eight people in the group. The one thing I noticed first was that I was the only one NOT brought up in the church.

That first night, I also thought I was the only one of two who had a difficult childhood, out of the eight. That threw me for a loop because everyone else in my life has a trauma history so being part of a group where the majority of the people had fairly healthy upbringings was somewhat of a culture shock. I have since learned there is another person with a trauma history, but these numbers track with research so that gives me a different perspective on the world and healthy versus unhealthy families.

When I introduced myself, again, I found myself “oversharing.” Since I was not brought up in the church, I ended up telling more of my story about how I found my way to God than I planned. After I finished and thought “wow, that was a lot,” I apologized for taking up so much time. But several of the members actually thanked me for sharing.

Part of the story that I shared was that I watch online because I have no one to sit with, but, after that first night, three or four of the members offered for me to sit with them if I came to the same service they attend. It was so reassuring to have people already inviting me to be with them. I left the group that night feeling at ease and very happy.

Getting Rooted

This was the whole point of joining the group. It’s only been one month since I’ve joined the group, so on some level it feels premature to be sharing this. But, on the other hand, I have received messages that I need to start sharing what I have experienced already. And, when I receive these messages, the posts end up being really easy to write.

Do I feel rooted yet? The quick answer is “no.” Unfortunately, simply joining a group that feels safe and having another set of people who help me feel safe are not enough to calm a body and a Central Nervous System that has never felt safe. It will take more work than that.

In the class each week, we are doing devotional work to get to know God where we read five articles and respond to questions for each article. We then process what we learned together as a group. We also share with the group our testimony about our relationship with God. We also have experiences where we serve and pray together.

I gave my testimony last week - which I will share with you NEXT week - and the whole week before it was difficult as I prepared, but I knew the process was meant to move me along in my healing. The one thing that has been consistent throughout this experience is that I have been continually receiving messages from God about what I am going through. I will talk more about that next week.

I also have been attending church in person every week since starting the group. This Sunday, He was speaking to me through the songs. The one song stated He can heal with one word. I know this is true so why am I still hurting? Why am I not healed yet? I asked God this while the song was playing. Not as a rebellious child, but as a hurting person truly wanting to know the answer.

It’s hard sometimes to be in church surrounded by people and to be affected by the songs and the words in the sermon in this way. I am often overcome by emotion and find myself tearful, sometimes even crying. Fortunately not ugly cry as in sobbing. Just tears in my eyes. And yesterday, I had some peace because the woman sitting next to me was also affected by the songs and I saw her wiping away her tears as well. We were kindred spirits. I hope she knew it as well.

Anyway, the answer to my “why am I still hurting?” question came on the drive to meet up with Linda. My weekly routine has become go to church and then go on a hike with her. Very nice routine!

On the way to meet up with Linda, I was listening to worship music because I have found it brings me great peace, especially when I’m feeling anxious. As I was driving, God started to speak to me. I started receiving answers to the questions I asked in church.

I am still hurting because I am still holding onto my identity based on my history. There are core beliefs such as “I’m not good enough” or “I am too much” or “I am unlovable” that when I am stressed still come up. And I realized that when things get stressful, I’m still relying on myself to fix everything. Because, in the old way, I could not rely on anyone else. No one else was dependable.

I asked, “What do I need to do to get rid of that identity?” Of course, that question was straight from my old ways - assuming I’m doing something wrong. And as I’m typing this out, I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong. I just don’t think I have been patient enough and the process is going to take more time. And there is nothing wrong with that!

The response I received made sense because I wrote about it in the January post - I need to ground my identity in Christ. I will have to write a whole post on what that looks like when I am closer to the end. But, I will say this from what I have learned: The moment we decide to follow Jesus, we essentially are adopted into the family and our old identity no longer matters. If you think about adoption, the moment you are adopted, you take on the identity of the new family.

But in reality, what kid immediately forgets about their past, even if they are excited and happy about their new family. My brain just needs to catch up to this new family. And in reality, it’s not just my brain, but my whole nervous system.

So, the past month has been eventful and I have met some wonderful new people. I look forward to sharing more stories with you about what has been going on in the past month as I have worked on being more grounded in my life.