Living dissociated: A different perspective on depression
Written by Renee Brush, Ph.D. & Linda E-F
In several of my posts, I have mentioned that I have spent a good chunk of time - most of my life, honestly - living dissociated. But I haven’t spent a lot of time talking about what that means. As I reflected on my past year and what healing still needs to done, the message that kept coming to me is that one thing that is keeping me stuck is the dissociation. The accompanying message was that I need to write a post about it. So, in this post, Linda and I will describe it in depth.
As you may recall in the Traumatic Reactions post, we both deal with this and so we both have done a lot of research in this area. The personal stories in this post will be mine and the research will be from Linda. The goal is to give you a good description of what dissociation is so you will know if you deal with it and, if so, what you might need to do about it.
What is dissociation?
Dissociation is part of the fight/flight physiological response system of our central nervous system. It is a natural response to an unnatural event and refers to a separation in our consciousness (Marich, 2023; Van der Hart et al., 2006). When something horrific happens, our body shifts into fight/flight/freeze (with freeze being a form of dissociation) and chemicals like cortisol are released into our body. Blood flow increases, breathing increases, eating and digesting decreases, etc. We are preparing to run or fight.
But, when the situation becomes too much, too overwhelming, then the opposite happens. The prefrontal cortex (in the front part of the brain) turns off the physical systems. Breathing now slows, heart rate slows, we even quit feeling pain. The body is literally shutting down.
When the body is shut down, we also are not taking in much information from our environment around us. And, if we are not aware of things happening around us, we will not remember what happened. It’s like it never even happened. It would be like trying to study for a test in school while watching TV. You may remember what happened on TV but not what you were studying.
But, even though you may not actually remember what happened, that information is stored In your body (Van der Kolk, 2015). And that information is actually going to be more accurate than our actual memories of an event. I may have described my relationships with my mom as close to a stranger, but I knew deep down that I was afraid of her. In another post, I will talk about body memories because they are their own phenomenon!!
Can anyone dissociate?
Yes, absolutely, and they do not have to experience trauma to do so. Evidence shows that dissociation is a part of everyday life—a “part of the human experience” Marich (2023) discusses evidence showing the dissociation is a part of everyday life. It’s really the same thing as “zoning out” or “spacing out.” When I taught Introduction to Psychology, I talked about “highway hypnosis,” which is a state people get in when they have been driving for a while, especially on long and straight roads. I know I have dissociated while driving, even on the short 15 minute drive to work, and when I get to my destination I cannot remember the actual drive.
What does dissociation feel like?
In some ways, it is easier to explain what dissociation looks like, mainly because that is what people see. It is what drives us to therapy or causes us to encourage our loved ones to get help - it looks like depression. I have shared about how I would usually be in my room as a child or would not stay in contact with friends when I moved, even as an adult. As early as the 8th grade, I realized I did not feel good about myself. So, when I sought out a therapist, it was to deal with the depression. But, when I entered Somatic Experiencing training, I learned about dissociation and I began to recognize it in myself. And then I was able to look back over my life and see that what I thought was depression was truly dissociation.
So I no longer see myself as being depressed most of my life, but dissociated. I was “shut down.” I was numb. When various memories come up over my life and I try to associate an emotion with it, I cannot find an emotion - because there isn’t one. I realize now that I have always been very sensitive emotionally and so I feel emotions very deeply. I am the person that cries at commercials, like the Folgers commercial where the son comes home in the middle of the night and makes coffee for his parents and they are so happy. So, when I’m anxious, I’m very anxious. When I’m sad, I’m very sad. You get the picture.
Well, young children do not know how to deal with those deep emotions. And I had a mom who did not know either. I was punished for my reactions - such as, “I’ll give you something to cry about!” So, if a young child is overwhelmed by their emotions and they do not have a trustworthy, reliable parent to support them, they do the only thing they can do. They shut down. They dissociate. And that is what I did.
So you might be thinking, well this sounds like a great solution - numb out the pain! Yes, it does sound great in theory. But the problem is if you numb the negative, you also numb the positive. So if you feel no sadness or anger, you also feel no joy or love. I did not realize this was going on for so long.
Having my daughter was the best thing that ever happened to me, cheesy to say I know, but it’s true. I have loved her from Day 1. There was never any question. What I didn’t realize is that I had only KNOWN I loved her. Until I was about halfway through the second year of Somatic Experiencing training, where I was starting to get really good at embodying my emotions. I had just returned from a weekend at a training session, so I was still fully embodied and had not been back at work at the group practice to have the life drained out of me by a couple of my coworkers.
I had lunch with my daughter and she was telling me what had been going on for her. I don’t even remember what she was talking about now. What I do remember is that I felt this burst of energy in my heart and it felt like it could just burst out of my chest. It was in that moment when I understood that phrase. In that moment - for the first time ever - I FELT my love for her. That was a very happy moment indeed! One that I will never forget.
Another thing that can happen when you are dissociated is that you feel like you are on autopilot or living in a dream. This can really make things complicated. When I say I have lived most of my life dissociated, I do mostly mean I have been on autopilot, “going through the motions.” I get up, go to work, come home, eat, watch TV, play my games, and go to bed. Getting the dogs helped break that up some.
When you are on autopilot, the thing that happens is you lose out on a lot of memories. I was like this most of my childhood. So, when I think back to my childhood I can’t tell you a lot about what happened. It is impossible to remember something when you were not fully present to process it.
After my first divorce, dating men, sometimes several at a time without being exclusive, was really just to break the monotony. Sure, I liked them and I would have probably entered into a relationship with any of them if they were interested, but it really was just something to do. I think it was an escape - I did that instead of drinking.
Either way, I could go out with these men or stay home and surf the internet - either would have given me the same level of excitement. And both served to keep me out of the emotions or dealing with the deeper stuff. Just going through the motions…
Feeling as if you are in a dream, for me anyway, is a bit more rare and can really mess with your perception. A dream can be a good thing or it can be a nightmare, but sometimes you don’t know what it is until you wake up. This is what happened on my first date with the person who became my second husband. I met him online and we had chatted through texts and phone calls for about three months when we had our first date. That first date, I felt like I was in a dream. It all felt surreal, like when you wake up from a very vivid dream and you can’t tell if it was real or not. I interpreted that as a good thing.
My interpretation of that night, sadly, was wrong. And it took me over a decade to figure it out and, by that time, I had already been divorced from him for over a year. But I can look back and see multiple red flags from him even before we met, that had I paid attention to them, would have caused me to say “no” to the date. And that dreamlike state, I know now, really was my body telling me that everything was wrong. That this was not the person for me. But, because I did not know my body or its signals at the time, I misread those signals. (Side note: While I have done enough healing that I hold no shame for my choice, I do regret the fact that I hurt this man through my actions, though I am doing my work spiritually to make amends and apologize to this person for hurting him.)
Another way dissociation can affect a person is through causing you to think that the world around you is not real or is somehow altered. This is something that I only remember experiencing once in my life. I was driving home from dropping my daughter off at school, which was a 30 minute trip. As usual, I dissociated while driving, but I came back to awareness for some reason. This is a route I had driven twice a day for two or three years. It was not new territory. But, as I became aware again and looked around, I could not figure out where I was. I was looking at the highway, the trees, the road signs, anything to tell me where I was at, and I just couldn’t figure it out. Nothing looked familiar. I don’t know how I did not panic. Though I think I was actively talking myself through it, like, “It’s ok, don’t panic. You’ll figure it out. Just keep going.” And sure enough! Within a couple minutes, I passed a group of trees and I came to the junction of two main highways and then I knew exactly where I was. Sudden relief flooded me.
Is dissociation bad?
No, dissociation is simply a physiological response that our body has to protect itself to stress, specifically when things around us get overwhelming. We all do it, even those of us that are not traumatized. But, healthy people will use a balanced amount of the other coping mechanisms like fight or flight.
The problem starts when our systems rely too heavily on one of the physiological responses over the others. When this happens, our body becomes conditioned to respond in this way and it becomes difficult to unlearn those responses.
It took me a long time to understand this. In the second year of my Somatic Experiencing training when I learned finally to be embodied, I promised myself I would never dissociate again. But then, I would get home with all of the stress and - wham! - back in dissociation within two weeks. I got so mad at myself, not giving myself credit for the fact that my body was protecting me from the stress it was experiencing at work. Eventually, I learned to have some patience with my body.
Another problem with living in dissociation is that it makes if very difficult to feel connected to other people if you do not feel connected to yourself. I have already explained this in relation to my feelings with my daughter. Linda and I have debated this topic as we have been writing this article. But, I will say there is a difference in the depth of your feeling for someone when you are dissociated versus when you can feel your emotions in your body. This honestly is what I described with my daughter. I also remember when I started feeling more connected with my dad. I actually wanted to call him more and to go see him.
So, living in dissociation is not helpful. We are not meant to LIVE in dissociation. It is a physiological response that is supposed to come and go. Not hang around for 50-some years. But, if it does hang around, that is a sign that you have had a bad history and you need some help. (And if this is you and you are now just realizing this, please check out my post on how to find a therapist.)
How do I stop dissociation?
When I first became licensed and had to start thinking about continuing ed credits, I read about trauma healing and realized that the thing I need the most is help with the dissociation. That is why I chose to learn Somatic Experiencing.
It was such a relief to go to those weekends and be among a safe group (mostly) of people who accepted me for who I am and I could start feeling into my body. And the assistants were so patient when they would ask what I’m feeling and I would honestly say, “I don’t know.” They would be encouraging and say, “Take your time.”
The trainer, Josh, and assistants would remind me that it takes time to learn how to remain embodied, especially since my body did not know how to feel all of these emotions. Again, they were encouraging - just keep practicing and it will become easier for your body to know what to do. And, so I continue to keep practicing.
Here are some tips for you to start practicing:
The idea is to find ways to connect with yourself.
Scan your body and see what you notice. Feel your feet on the ground. Feel your legs on the seat your in. Feel your back in the chair. Describe what those feel like. Do you feel safe? Comfortable? Are your feet tingling because you have them crossed and they have fallen asleep? Simply describe what you notice.
Another way to connect is to check in with yourself and to see what emotions you might be feeling. Maybe you can’t tell how you are are feeling, but try to identify if you feel good or bad. Heavy or light? If there are physical sensations associated with it, where are they located?
Remember baby steps. If you are like me and have been dissociated for much of your life, only start doing this for a few seconds at a time. Do it only as long as it feels comfortable. Once it gets to be too much, then quit. Go back to what you were doing and try again later. If you keep trying for 30 seconds at a time, and you get good at that, then move to 1 minute. And keep building as you can.
It also is important to also remember that you need to have other coping skills. So if you need help with those, please check out the posts on grounding, finding joy, and coregulation.
And, for me, it’s still a work in progress… As I started my spiritual journey last year, one of the messages I have received is that I stay too long in this “depressive” state. And last week, I shared with you how the dissociation can still affect me. But, it’s ok. I’m not getting mad at myself anymore. Instead, this is the year I’m going to overcome it. But, this time, I have company because I’m taking you with me!
References
Marich, J. (2023). Dissociation made simple: A stigma-free guide to embracing your dissociative mind and navigating daily life. North Atlantic Books.
Van der Hart, O., Nijenhuis, E. R., & Steele, K. (2006). Haunted self: Structural dissociation and treatment of chronic traumatization. W. W. Norton & Company.
Van der Kolk, B. A. (2015). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Penguin Books.
