Written by Renee Brush, Ph.D.

A couple weeks ago, I talked about what boundaries are, how to recognize when we need them, and how to set them (click here if you missed that post). I frequently have discussions with my clients about setting and maintaining boundaries. Most of us that grew up in unhealthy families never learned boundaries, as I shared in that last post. Maybe you tried to set a boundary since you read that article. If so, that’s awesome! But what happens when you set a boundary and your family or friends do not respect it? After some discussion with clients, I decided we needed a part two on boundaries as we head into the holidays. 

Boundary Violations

A while back, one of my clients told me she had “failed” at setting a boundary with her mother. After she described what happened, I was very happy to tell her that she actually did a beautiful job with setting her boundary. The only failure she experienced was her mother not respecting the boundary she had set. A conversation this week with this same client inspired this post as she has been experiencing more boundary violations with her mother. And it triggered a memory of my own that I want to share. 

I have shared with you about my high school “best friend” who was really controlling and manipulative to me. The friendship ended very abruptly in the summer before my senior year. Six years after the end of the relationship, I had graduated college, met the man who will become my first husband, and was visiting my mom so we could go shopping for wedding dresses. 

After the shopping trip, we stopped at the grocery store and ran into the ex-friend and her mother. It was very awkward but bound to happen in a small town. My mother tells the other mother that we have been shopping for wedding dresses because I “finally have trapped a man to marry” me. I was mortified. To this day, I can describe the sinking and visceral feeling I had standing there in the middle of that grocery store. It was awful. And I was furious.

That was the only time I ever remember setting a boundary with my mom. In the car, using the psychology I learned in college, I said, “Mom, that hurt my feelings when you made that comment about trapping a husband in front of her mother.” My pride in myself was immediately destroyed when my mother responded, “She is my friend, and I will say whatever I want to her.” 

No apologies. No nothing. Essentially just a big “F*ck you. I’ll do what I want.” 

I did not fail in setting my boundary. In fact, I wish I had a therapist then that told me that I did a beautiful job setting that boundary. Or a friend or another adult who would have had my back at the time. Just anyone to tell me what a great job I did. 

What my mom did was violate my boundaries. She disrespected my boundaries. And she has that right. Boundaries are not meant to control. They are statements of what we need. Boundaries allow us to let others know what we will tolerate. Since there are two people in a relationship, we both have to choose how we will be in a relationship.

Boundaries as a Sign 

One of the things I discuss with my clients is that the act of setting boundaries with people help us identify the people in our lives who are healthy or toxic. Toxic people do NOT like boundaries. 

This is important because of the old adage “Birds of a feather flock together.” People who come from unhealthy families tend to find other people from unhealthy families. It is not uncommon for people who are healing to discover that a good number of the people in their support system have learned these toxic, unhealthy ways of being in relationships. 

As I have started to implement boundaries, I pay attention to the other person’s response. If their immediate response is to apologize and to talk about how they will correct the behavior, then I feel at peace and I am happy. This is what I deserved from my mom all those years ago. This is what my client deserves as well. This is what YOU deserve too. 

If, instead, the person with whom you set the boundary responds like my mom did, then you are in a bit of pickle. What did I do? In that moment, I shut down. I didn’t say another word because I didn’t know how to respond. Honestly, I doubt anything I would have done would have made her see the light or worked in my favor. It’s possible I never tried to set another boundary with her again. 

What might you do? It is easy to get into an argument with the person, especially if the person pushes back. You could explain why what you ask for is appropriate, but it likely won’t get you anywhere. A person who does not want to respect your boundaries likely will not care about your explanations, your needs, or your reasonings. 

The key to consider though is the sign you received – the person disrespecting your boundary revealed the truth to you. The truth that they are a toxic person. An emotionally immature person. Someone who does not care about your needs. Armed with this knowledge, you then are better able to make your next move. 

Boundaries with a Person who has disrespected them

Here are some tips for dealing with toxic people that are keen on violating boundaries:

• Be clear. It is common for people that grew up with emotionally immature parents to hint at or indirectly ask for what they need. Ask specifically for what you need. If you believe you stated what you needed clearly but the person did not follow through on your request, discuss what you said with a close friend or your therapist. Is there any way you could have said it more clearly? Often what I find is that clients stated their boundary very clearly and yet the person still did not respect what was requested. This is good validation. After all, we are usually led to believe we are the ones at fault. 

• Be consistent. Set your boundary every time a person engages in a behavior that makes you uncomfortable. You might feel like a broken record, but you will get the point across. If you are speaking up for a boundary that repeatedly has been violated in the past but you have never spoke up before, you can start with, “I know that I haven’t said anything before, but I’m not comfortable with it” (or something similar). And then once you say it, keep saying it. 

• Be firm. Do not argue if you can avoid it (or disengage as soon as you realize you are arguing). Your boundaries are not up for debate. Keep in mind that their attempt to engage you in an argument is basically a power struggle over your own decisions about your own body. One of the best memes about boundaries states, “’No,’ is a full sentence.” Also, keep in mind that they may goad you with comments like, “you’re being too sensitive,” or “you’re being too rigid.” These comments are deflections or manipulations trying to get you to move away from the boundary. Again, stand firmly with your decision. 

• Remain calm. Remember, if this person is trying to create an argument, they want a reaction from you. You will keep yourself out of the struggle if you are able to keep yourself calm and out of your emotions. 

• Know the consequences. If a person decides to continue disrespecting your boundary, what will be the consequence? As I said earlier, they do not have to abide by your request, but you also do not have to accept their bad behavior. You get to choose what that consequence is. In the moment, probably the easiest thing to do is to end the conversation, the visit, the phone call, or whatever you are doing together. That is basically what I did with my mom years ago. I ended any conversation and I’m sure when we got back home, I went to my room and spent the rest of the evening there.  Whatever you do the decision is yours. But, you have to make a decision that you will be comfortable following through. For example, if you tell your mother that you will no longer call her if she disrespects a boundary, but then you keep calling her, you have essentially given away your power. She will not listen the next time you set a boundary with a consequence. I understand that there are times we need to give in, but consider that before you choose a consequence so that it can be more fitting and easier to apply in the situation. 

• Respect what is right for you. In this post, I have given tips on how to make sure your boundary is carried out. But sometimes, it may become obvious that keeping a boundary may be too costly in a family when you rely on them. When families are highly dependent on each other out of necessity, even typical boundaries may be asking too much. That is fine. Know what is right for you. For my clients with families like this, I help them figure out when it’s ok to let go of boundaries and then we also work on finding ways to build their independence. 

Overall, boundaries are an essential part of a healthy relationship. And, in healthy relationships, they are usually respected. But, as we are healing, we may still have some unhealthy relationships in our lives and so we still need to know how to navigate these relationships, especially if these people are not respecting our boundaries.