Written by Renee Brush, Ph.D.

The other day I was driving home from work and I was navigating an interchange from one highway to another. I was trying to move one lane to the right and at the same time, two lanes to the right, there was another car trying to move into the same lane as me. Only I couldn’t see the driver as the car was in my blind spot. The driver laid on the horn to let me know they were there. 

I responded accordingly, but I was so mad! In my head, I just kept going over and over defending myself. I didn’t know they were there. It wasn’t my fault. How rude of them to honk like that. They could have just let me in.

Over and over and over. For several minutes. 

And then it dawned on me - why was I taking this so personally? This person HONKED at me in order to avoid an accident, which is exactly what happened. There was nothing in the honk that said, “You’re an incompetent driver!” So, why did I take it in such a way that I felt attacked so that I had to defend myself? 

Why do I take things so personally?

This is one of those obvious/not obvious questions. And, honestly, I get frustrated with having to ask the question, even after all of these years in therapy. It comes back to childhood and how we were treated as children. And this realization has had to come to me time and time again, but it never seems to stick. 

I remember when I was at Somatic Experiencing training our advanced year. All of the cohorts converge together in a few trainings and so there are these mass gatherings with large numbers of people. My Philadelphia cohort had maybe 20-some people in it. But, for advanced, I was in Connecticut with over 100 people. And the hotel put the coffee table for breaks in this tiny little hallway where ALL of us are going to get coffee and snacks in 15 minutes. I was trying to get my coffee the first day. I’m waiting my turn and, as I’m about to get my coffee, someone else steps in and grabs hers. All of a sudden, I froze. The thought that ran through my mind in that moment was, “You don’t even deserve to take up space.” 

And that brought up another memory. I’m standing in the kitchen, perhaps talking to my mom. Then suddenly I’m in her way and she is yelling at me, as if I am supposed to read her mind and know where she is going from one second to the next. And I can feel the panic inside because I’m not doing something right. I’m not reading her mind. I’m not predicting where she wants to go next and gracefully moving out of the way. 

That last memory went repressed for a long time and only came back up after I realized how deeply my mom had hurt me. It came up as a flashback right after my dogs and I had just come back inside. I hung their leashes up and turned to walk further into the house, only to trip on the one dog, who was still right behind me. That panic rose up inside me and I was suddenly apologizing profusely to my dog for tripping on her. Like it was my fault for not knowing she had stood right behind me, as if I had eyes in the back of my head. 

Not all of us who suffered childhood abuse or neglect deal with taking things personally. Those of us who do take things personally were blamed for most things in their parent’s life and also accepted that blame. I want to make sure that is clear - at some point, we accepted the blame as our own wrong-doing and have been working our whole lives to make up for it. We then can become adults who take things personally and try to fix things that go wrong, even if it is not possible for us to fix them. 

I’m thinking back to things I have recently taken personally, like the person honking at me. Recently, I have been better about not taking things personally. The most common thing for me that comes to mind are companies sending “friendly reminders” that bills are “due in three days.” Initially, I would go into panic, like “did I forget to pay them?” So generally reminders or comments about things you did or did not do could fall here. I’m sure as I have been describing this, situations that apply for you have come to mind. 

Is it wrong to take things personally?

I don’t believe it is ever wrong to react as comes natural to you. We learn about ourselves and what we need to heal by noticing our reactions. So, no, taking things personal is not wrong. 

I think we learn to take things personally as a protective mechanism - a survival technique - to stay safe in our childhood. For me, taking the blame and trying to fix things with my mom was the easiest way to get through the day. If I didn’t, her reaction would have been much more difficult to take. If I took the blame and apologized profusely, she was generally appeased and the day was easier. 

However, taking things personal is a trauma reaction that helped me survive childhood has become a default coping mechanism which is no longer serving me. It does not serve me to spend five minutes beating myself up for nearly moving into a lane where another person was also moving while in my blind spot. Accidents happen and I do not deserve to beat myself up for that. 

No one deserves that. 

Why is it important to not take things personally?

If we consider that taking things personal is a trauma reaction, then the importance of not doing that is more about what that gets us. Not taking things personal means we are healing.

I haven’t yet addressed this issue, but when I feel into the emotions that come up for me when the person honked at me or when my mom yelled at me for being in the way, what I notice is… 

Shame.

Shame that I couldn’t get out of the way. Or that I was in the way. That I was taking up space in the world. That I couldn’t predict another person’s needs and then meet them without them asking. 

Shame comes from the message that there is something wrong with me. “Why do you keep getting in my way?” The messages do not have to be made explicitly. Although I do feel certain my mom asked me on more than one occasion, “What is wrong with you?” 

But, remember, that was my childhood. Healing has meant learning to rid myself of the shame. If you read my post on grieving for the mother I didn’t have, you will know that I have realized that what I went through was not my fault. It was not my fault that I was in her way. She was an impatient woman who did not know how to manage her own emotions and to ask me gently to please move. With that understanding came this next understanding…

The shame is not mine. 

And this: Not every person in my adult life is going to treat me that same way. I can learn to differentiate between who will and will not make those comments. 

With all of this knowledge and ability to differentiate the people in my life, I can live a more peaceful life. 

Is there a time when it is ok to take things personally?

I think it is important to notice when we do take things personally, because I think it is a sign for us. And, if we pay attention, we can see what that message is. 

There are people in this world who are not committed to doing their work or improving their mental health. They are not willing to accept responsibility for their actions or to try to fix their own behaviors as a way to repair a relationship. If you are taking something personal from someone, you may need to ask yourself if the person is one of “these people.” I’ve shared with you how it went when I set a boundary with my mom. It did not go well at all. If you set a boundary with someone and they cannot accept it, take them at their word. We may need special ways of handling these people in our lives. And, if this is true for you, please check out that post. 

There will be times when we are reminded of things that maybe we did forget. Like with those bill reminders. There have been a time or two (or more… who’s counting?!) when I did forget to pay the bill. Shame still does not help us in this situation because it may cause us to shut down. It certainly does for me. 

What may be more important in this type of situation where we feel bad, though, is guilt. Guilt helps us to make changes in our behavior so that we can be better next time. So, if someone says something to you about a behavior you can change, then go ahead and change it. When it comes to bills, I have checked my record-keeping system to see what was missing so I don’t make the same mistake in the future. 

But , when I get rid of the shame and focus on the guilt and thus what I can change, I’m not taking those email reminders personally anymore. I see them for what they are - the company sending out reminders about an upcoming due date. They do this for everyone, not just me. So it is not personal. It’s their way of making sure they get their money. 

How can I stop taking things so personally?

Learning how to not take things personally is definitely a challenge. And it will take some time. Here are some tips that I have used in my own life to help with this process.

First, as always, we have to notice that this is something that we do. You may already know that you do this. Certainly if you do, people may have already commented on this. “Why do you take things so personal?” Or something like that. 

And once you are aware of this, lean into it. Where did that come from? Sometimes we may not have clear memories of it. I didn’t for a long time. But, even statements that come up for you could help explain it. The thought I had, “I can’t even take up space,” was a start to some good insight.” As you focus on those sorts of comments, other memories or thoughts will likely come up to you. Pay attention to what comes up - and believe it !

Next, I think it’s important to really examine if the action in question is truly your fault. Looking back, I can see that my mom had no real reason to yell at me for being in her way. It was not my fault and she definitely could have handled it better. Even driving the other day, I did not intentionally try to move in on the other driver. And, if I can see that I am truly not at fault, then I can work at letting it go. In other situations, like with the bills, if there is something I need to change, then I take action to make those changes. Either way, we are not hanging on to shame. 

I personally think that the world would be a much better place if we all assumed that people approached us with good intentions. If I do this, then the person who honked at me did not “lay on” the horn, but simply honked, and may have let the horn honk longer than I would have liked just to be sure I heard it. Honestly, when I reflect on it - I hate honking the horn and, when I do honk, I tend to honk too long too. If we do this with our family and closest friends, we are less likely to “read between the lines.” When I get an email from a client following up about a report, if I feel into the shame, I can assume they are angry at me and blaming me for not having their report done yet. But, if I assume they have good intentions, then I can see they are simply getting an update on their report. As you might imagine, the response can be vastly different! 

However, as I said before, there are people in this world who intentionally make things difficult for others. Assuming good intentions might actually make it very difficult for them to affect you in the way they want you to react, which would be a big win for you! But, realizing that is what they are trying to do is a sign for you that you might have to change how you think of them and how they are in your life. At some point, I went very low contact with my mom because nothing would have made a difference. And I had to protect myself. 

Either way, whether you change how often they are in your life, the key is that you remind yourself that whatever they have to say is about them and not you. I don’t think I ever totally got to this place myself. But, an example I did use was when she would comment about how I never call her. A couple times I did say that she could call me anytime she wanted. Back then, I still felt the shame for not calling, but, now, I would be able to remind myself that I am not calling her to protect myself and that is ok! 

One thing I’ve been doing recently that I haven’t always done is share these things with friends. There is a specific instance that upset me that I will not share due to the private nature. I immediately took the blame and thought it was all me, but when I processed it with a very trusted friend, even sharing the note, she assured me that I was not in the wrong in this situation. As a person who always assumes I am the one to blame, I needed to hear that! So, please, ask your closest friends or your therapist. The validation is important. And it can also help you figure out how to handle it. Plus, if there is something you did that needs to be changed, they can help you with that too.

The other important thing I need to share is that taking things personally can also be a sign that you need to focus on some self-care. I felt like I had been doing really well on not taking things personally and then it seemed to pick up again rather quickly. In my meditations this past week, where I connect with my Spirit team and God/Universe/Source, I was reminded that I have just published two very vulnerable pieces on my mom that hit very deep at my core wounding. As a result, I have been braced more and feeling more emotional and more sensitive. So, naturally, I would need more rest and relaxation. Again, that validation is so important and not something I easily give to myself. 

So, taking things personally generally means that, somewhere in your life, you were taught to take the blame for everything that went wrong, even if it was not your fault. That is a lot of responsibility for children who don’t even know what that means! If this was you, please know that it was NOT your fault! You were doing what you needed to do to survive a difficult childhood. But, now, you can unlearn taking on that shame and learn how to put the responsibility where it belongs. It is not always an easy process, but the peace it brings you will be worth it!