Written by Renee Brush, Ph.D.

As I ended 2022, I was looking back over the year and trying to choose what my New Year’s goals would be. I created a vision board with a bunch of goals that I was aiming for in 2023. Honestly, I didn’t meet many of them. The theme was “live in courage,” which I probably did ok at. I’m certainly still standing and facing challenges. I joined a new coaching program for next year and, as part of preparation, she had us choose one word for next year. So, here is my homework. 

Getting Rid of Dissociation

I have been open about my struggles with dissociation and my persistent work on not being dissociated. In my half year update, I had mentioned that I was still dissociated a lot of the time. But I also have had a rough year with several crises that knocked me off my path. This continues to be a work in progress… and some days, I learn how much work I have to do. For example…

I went to pick up something from Kohl’s today - something I had ordered last Sunday (exactly seven days ago). It is a gloomy rainy Sunday and I would not have gone today except I received at least two messages saying today was the last day to pick up my order. So, off I went…

I told my dogs (not even kidding) that I would be back within the hour - yes, ONE hour. So, I hurried there, hurriedly stopped at McDonald’s to buy an unsweetened tea, hurriedly went in the store to the customer service counter to pick up my order, and hurriedly left the store to go home. I saw something maybe I would have liked… but then reminded myself I was in a hurry. So I walked right by it and headed out the door.

In my car at the stoplight impatiently waiting to turn to get onto the highway, I noticed I wanted to cry. And that I felt tense - my shoulders were braced and my teeth were clenched. I asked inside my brain, “Lord, why do I feel like crying right now?” 

The answer I received was not surprising - but it did shake me a bit. It was a realization I have been coming to for the past two weeks. Two weeks since someone who had been very close to me passed away. I will talk about that in another blog post very soon. But that loss made me realize how shut off I had been even to myself - EVEN as I have been trying to NOT be dissociated and trying to take action in my life. 

The answer I received was that my body did not feel safe. Even as I write this less than one hour after feeling it in my car, I can feel the tears at the back of my eyes. 

I DO NOT FEEL SAFE.

If you have not read my post on dissociation, please do so. It is very important to understand how important dissociation is to keeping our body and mind safe. I am not mad that I am dissociated or that I feel unsafe. I am GRIEVING. How easy it is for us to trick ourselves to think we are better off than we think we are. This is a theme I will focus on at least a couple times this year I think. This is not the first time I have done this in my life. “Oh, I’m fine!” I have said so many times in my life with a smile on my face. I can lie even to myself - AND believe it! 

Maybe you can see it in yourself? If so, there is no shame in it. 

When I had written my late mid-year update, I had stated that I felt like I hadn’t gotten as far as I would have liked this year with my goals. I know I’m not alone in saying that this has been a crappy year - at the end of the year and the start of a new year, I think many people have not been able to accomplish what they set out to do this year. And that’s fine. 

The one goal that I had that did happen was the focus on healing. Oh yeah… that happened even if I wasn’t ready for it. Several things happened this year to knock me off balance and I eventually was able to pick myself up and get back on the horse. 

But I realized two weeks ago that I had completely shut myself off in many ways after my last divorce. At the time, I had told myself I would never get married again, but I didn’t realize how deep the walls were that I had built around myself. 

I have a good group of friends now, but it took me a good three years to let them in - and that was just one year ago, six years after the divorce. And three years after being included in their group - they accepted me but I had not accepted them. And as I think about how I closed myself off, I can see how it was based in this belief that I was/am unlovable. My main core belief, which of course, isn’t very helpful.

My second husband was well-liked by everyone who met him and, when I decided to end things, I was sure everyone would think I was crazy for leaving him. I made myself the bad guy…. Because I was raised to be the one to blame. To take on all of the guilt. 

That is a deep hurt. With lots of large emotions. 

No wonder I dissociate. No wonder I have stayed that way. Especially since I was blissfully unaware of how deep those waters still ran.  

Getting Rid of Shame

Believing “I am a bad person” is the definition of shame. I have known for a long time that I deal with shame. I have been working to get rid of it. It likes to stick around and apparently it likes to hide. My shame often only appears as a chaotic feeling in my chest, sometimes feeling like a heavy stone - or an elephant - sitting on my chest.

Recently, I took a webinar from a pastor who did a workshop on getting rid of “toxic shame,” which is what we are talking about. I was extremely interested to see how he would talk about it compared to me, a licensed psychologist. I was very excited to find out he talked about it VERY closely to how I would talk about it. He even talked about changing your thoughts, but the way he talked about changing the thoughts was through using scripture - verses based on your identity in Christ. Meditating on those verses over and over again. 

And then, I actually attended church in person for the first time. The pastor talked about the small groups they have at the church. I have thought about joining a small group so I can perhaps start to build a community beyond my work friends. I started thinking about it this past fall, but did not feel safe enough to do this. But hearing him talk about it gave me this zing in my brain - like “you need to do this.” Since that was my first time in the church, I had visited their guest services and was talking to a member there and they talked about how much they enjoyed their small group. So, I had confirmation that it was a good experience. 

The small group I am going to join is called “Rooted” and it is designed to bring together a small number of people and they work together to develop a deeper relationship with God and the church. The groups include homework with daily devotionals, service, and prayers among other things. As I have read about this program online, I have seen it described as “transformational.” I am all in for that. I have been working with my therapist for nearly 10 years. Adding Jesus to the equation can only be helpful. Plus, this group will allow me to grow that relationship with God, which, based on what the pastor said in the webinar, is something I need. 

2023 Recap

So, as I am looking forward, I want to start with a recap of how I did with my goals for 2023. I realize that I set too many things to focus on and that choice made it difficult for me to really focus. 

At the end of 2023, I had goals related to my online business, my spiritual and personal growth, traveling, and my self-care. Overarching the whole year, I wanted to take more action in the things that I did, so that I would not dissociate much of the time. 

What I did well really is about the personal and spiritual growth. I had a spiritual crisis of sorts earlier in the year, which I have talked about, and then started to seriously build a relationship with God. I even ended the year by finding a church that shares my values and then going to that church. I have continued healing with my therapist and building relationships with friends. I did have several other “crises” this year that caused a lot more growth. These upheavals caused a serious level of shutdown in my life which then is leading to growth. 

But these upheavals and the resulting shut-down that I went through prevented me from working on my business in the way that I had planned. I wanted to grow my Instagram following and stay consistent with posting blogs and videos. I ended up taking a major break this year. 

I did get to travel some and, toward the end of the year, I have made more plans for next year. Also, I did not get myself back into eating healthy or working out, but that also is starting to change at the end of the year. Every time my daughter and I have plans to go somewhere, it has included hiking. So, I have joined a group to help me stay focused on healthy eating, which I’m hoping will also motivate me to work out. Plus, I will need it to continue the hiking. 

Looking forward to 2024

As I look back to last year, a couple of things stand out. First, I made a vision board but I didn’t have any real plans to carry out those plans. That is more like hoping I would do these things. 

Second, I underestimated the effect of the dissociation on my daily life. And, of course, I could not plan for all the various things to go wrong. Even when we are on the brighter side of healing, things can still go majorly wrong. And they did. I was not prepared for the fallout. 

One of the things I did at the end of 2023 was to join a business coaching program to help me stay focused and finally offer educational content that I have had on my mind. The program began with preparing for 2024 with making plans. One of the homework activities was to choose a word for 2024 to keep my focused. 

This takes me back to my first day at church when the pastor was talking about the small groups and I had that “zing” in my brain to tell me I needed to join those groups, Rooted. My brain said, “That’s what I need. I need to be rooted.” 

And then I remembered something Deborah had said once about me… I am like a balloon adrift in the air, floating above the ground. 

It became very clear to me in that moment - How can I take action on anything when I am not even rooted? If I’m just floating around on this earth? 

You can’t. In order to take any kind of action, you need to be on solid ground with solid footing. Not some balloon floating all willy nilly around. And this is a pattern of how I react when events in my life get chaotic and it would be nice to have more peace and calm, even when things get to their worst.

And, so, friends, my word for 2024 to keep myself focused - and grounded - is ROOTED. I will learn to be rooted on earth. Rooted in God’s word and my identity in him. I will learn to be safe in my own body so that can happen. And, as part of that, this new coaching program will help me get organized and make the plans that I can actually follow. 

As part of that program, she asked us to pick the three big things we would focus on this year. One is building my business. The second will be getting healthy, which will include eating, getting grounded, and working out. And the third thing is still up for debate, but I’m thinking that getting serious about my money management would be a good thing. 

What about you?

Have you thought about what you might focus on this coming year? As you reflect over 2023, what would you like to see be different for you in 2024. If you could pick one word to help you stay focused next year, what would it be? 

Obviously, there is no right or wrong answer here. Whatever you decide - and even if you don’t pick a word or new year’s goals, I wish you and your family a calm, peaceful new year full of love!