Written by: Renee Brush, Ph.D.

This has been a tough week. I’m sure you have had your share of those. And it is usually in these weeks when we feel the most alone. Even if we are surrounded by people. But this week was different for me. Something happened to show me that I am not alone, and I want to share that with you.

 In my Rooted group, one of our experiences is to give our testimonial about our developing relationship with God and Jesus. I had already started to give mine on the first night when I introduced myself, but I had not given my full story. I had to fill in the gaps, but I really wasn’t sure how that was going to happen. I wasn’t really sure what I needed to say that I hadn’t already said.

The first two weeks, the leaders had asked for volunteers. But then in the third week, the wife of the couple pulled me aside and asked me directly if I would tell my story the next week. Of course, I said, “Yes!” She is a lovely person, and I already would do anything for her, even after knowing her for such a short time.

Each week, in preparation for the next class, we have five devotionals that we read and then journal on. The week I was to give my testimonial, the topic was “Where is God in the midst of our suffering?”

Suffering.

That word echoed in my head as I read it. I have suffered. I still suffer in some ways.

As the above thoughts ran through my head, immediately the counter thoughts started up - No, I’m fine! I didn’t suffer. You’re just being dramatic.

But the reality is… I did suffer. And although I do have many, many good days, there are still days I suffer. But I do tend to dismiss what I have experienced. I had people in my life who have always dismissed what I experienced, so why shouldn’t I?

And I still spend a lot of time dissociated – disconnected from my surroundings. And, of course, that is why I am working so hard on getting rooted right now.

So, as I started reading about suffering the week, I am about to give my testimonial, I had two messages come to me. First, I knew the leader herself had been instructed – she had received the message herself such as during her prayer time - to ask me to go this particular week.

Second, I knew this particular chapter was meant for me. This chapter is, in large part, why I am in this class. And I knew it would help me tell my story.

Just because something is meant for you does not in any way mean it is going to be easy. And this week has not been easy at all. In fact, what this week has done is remind me of a lifetime of carrying burdens alone because I did not trust anyone.

Not only was my trauma triggered, so were some of my trauma reactions. Like carrying those burdens on my own. Not letting others in. Pretending I’m fine.

And while I was hanging on to all of this, my schedule at work was very busy. Busy as in non-stop with clients who were essentially in emergency mode. I had one client who returned to therapy after five years because their life was unraveling so desperately. And another little child on the spectrum who kept saying, “I’m broken,” and likely could not even know what that even meant.

I’m broken.

Those were the child’s words, but how many times I have thought something similar. “There’s something wrong with me.” “Why can’t I figure this out?”

And I hadn’t been able to figure it all out yet even on that Thursday, which was “therapy day” for me, which is now every other week. That timing, I’m sure, was part of the whole divine intervention of the week. I logically knew that I had been processing all of my abuse, but I couldn’t tell why I felt so much chaos inside my chest. That sounds counterintuitive for someone who deals with anxiety – but it did not feel like anxiety.

Deborah asked, “What would you like to process?” and I said, “I don’t know really.” I told her about all of what had been going on. And the thought that popped into my head was “sadness.” And she said, “You sound sad.” And then she stopped, thought for a second, and added, “And I don’t recall you ever talking about sadness.”

Huh. I cried a lot that session. We processed the sadness. We talked about how I dismiss my own experiences and how they have all been triggered. We talked about how scary it is to be seen by these lovely people in this group who have not judged me or dismissed me, even after I believed I have overshared or admitted what I have done in my past. How scary it is to be accepted into this group. But then also how difficult it is to also carry all of the sadness from my clients as I’m holding on to my own stuff.

I would like to say I felt better after that session. It was better, but there was still a lot of sadness and anxiety, because I certainly had more appointments that day as well as my testimony to give.

Later that afternoon, before I left for my church group, I had a friend/colleague come see me between sessions. I was trying to talk to her normally but couldn’t get out of my own head. Really, I couldn’t get out of the sadness and the heaviness that was shrouding my heart. I told her it had been a stressful week and I tried to seem normal by suggesting we go for a walk over the weekend. But nothing I did was successful. Unfortunately, she thought I was mad at her, which I was not.

The week was so heavy, I was even late to the meeting – which stressed me out even more!! It was like the stress just wouldn’t end.

And then I’m telling my story. All that had come up for me over the past week. The bad and the ugly. And how ultimately God is going to use it for good for me and for others.

Because He was not the one responsible for my suffering. I realized this week looking back that He was always there trying to get my attention, but I never truly recognized it, even though I was seeking Him out at the same time.

I realized I was never truly alone because He was always there. I just didn’t notice. But doors were open, or money came in the mail, just when I needed it. Looking back, I can see it. I just didn’t see it then.

After the group was over, I felt emotionally drained, and I tried hard to get a good night’s sleep that night. When I woke up, I felt lighter, like a weight had been lifted. But then I had a day full of Friday’s clients. And I felt the weight again. Plus, my dog is sick, and I had to go to the vet to find out about her test results.

As I was driving home, I just felt so tired and drained and thankful it was the weekend so I could decompress, even though I had a whole lot of work to catch up on. So much weight that I felt like I could just fall down at any given time.

Saturday morning, a friend called with whom I had become close when were in the clinical psychology graduate program together. We don’t talk often, but, when we get on the phone, it’s like we talk every day. One of those good friends. As soon as I said hi, she said, “God put it on my heart to call you. How are you?”

In all of my self-dismissal, I said, “I’m fine, really. Though it’s been a tough week.” I’m not even sure why I bothered trying to hide anything from her. She has always received messages from God, and she will randomly get thoughts of people. When she does, she knows it means something is up with that person and she needs to call to check on them.

So, she said, “No, God told me to call you. The message is ‘you are more than able.’ So does that mean anything?” Initially, I said, “no,” because it wasn’t directly clear. And then she said, “It feels like maybe you are overwhelmed or have too much going on.”

Then the statement made so much sense. I am more than able to handle whatever comes up. But I first have to remember…

I am not alone.

I have realized as I have been writing this post, processing this whole week, that the problem this week is that I have been stuck in my trauma reactions. Holding on to my baggage all on my own. Not letting people in. Not letting Him in. Or even asking Him to carry it. These are all reactions I built growing up with no one to help me.

One of the many things I have been learning is that God wants to be with us and to carry the load for us. In Matthew, Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” (Matt: 11:28-29 NIV)

I yearn for that rest. I think we all need that rest. And the point is I don’t have to carry these burdens alone. My client’s burdens are not mine to carry. I need to support them in the best way I can, but then I have to let it go at the end of the day.

I have learned that, when I do rely on God to lighten my load, then I experience that “peace of God, which transcends all understanding” (Philippians 4:7 NIV). I just did not rely on it this past week. However, if there is anything I know from my training, we have to recognize an old pattern so we can identify it and then we can do something different. And I am recognizing it, in part because it is hitting me in the face.

The old pattern was that I had to be invisible, so I did not get in trouble. And I had to carry my own burdens. No one could be trusted to help. And I would not ask for help, because people generally would not follow through (obviously not everyone).

Now, I’m building a community that I can actually trust. And that community begins with God, who has been there from the beginning, offering the help as I needed. I just need to ask. 

And I am getting better at that. Not just with God, but with the trustworthy and dependable people in my life too.

How to Know You are Not Alone

Obviously I am claiming that we are never alone because God is always with us. But how can we feel God’s presence when he cannot be seen? That part takes practice, but it can be done.

1. First you have to learn how to be still or quiet for a short period of time.

2. It helps if you spend some time each day reading the Bible so you can become familiar with His words. Sometimes He will speak to you through the verses, either as you are reading them or the verses could come to your mind when you need them most.

3. Spend time each day praying to Him. As you pray, make sure you take time to listen for any responses. If you do not know how to pray, the YouVersion Bible app has a daily guided prayer which walks you through the process. (Note: I am not being paid to share this information with you, but it really has helped me)

4. One of the problems I experience with prayer is that my brain gets easily distracted, thanks to the ADHD. So I began “prayer journaling.” I would use the prayer prompts from YouVersion’s guided prayer and I would write them down. Once I felt I was good at prayer, I began to do this on my own. As I was journaling, I began to realize that the thoughts that popped into my head were often God’s message to me.

5. Throughout the day, pay attention to themes or messages that come to you repeatedly. This can be from anywhere - a person, the TV, the radio.

6. Pay attention to any messages from dreams as well.

How will you know the message is from God? It will be new information, or it will make sense of information you already have. If you are trying to make a decision, it will help you make the decision, or it will create another decision that you may not have even considered but makes even more sense.

For example, when I started journaling for the devotional the week of my testimony, I had no reason to believe that the leader had a reason to ask me to share my story. I wasn’t even wondering why she asked me. I just simply said, “yes.” So, the thought that the leader was given a message to ask me specifically to share that week was a surprise to me. That is how I knew that was a message to me from God. He wanted me to know. And He wanted me to know that week’s topic was for me. And all of this came to me while I was journaling.

So, you have to listen. And you have to believe. Trust whatever comes up. When we have a trauma history, we tend to doubt ourselves and our thoughts. So, it does help if you have someone who can help validate you. It also helps if you keep a list of all the various thoughts that come up to you as a way to prove to yourself what has come up.

The other way you will know if a message comes from God is that the message will likely bring a sense of deep peace to you that does not make sense. If you have been worried about something, but a message brings you peace, then you know.

Obviously, this week, I’m focused on not being alone because God is with me. That is important, but if you are following my story, you will know that I’m building this community of trusted friends because I was receiving messages that I need more people in my life. But, it has to start somewhere.

If it feels like today’s message is for you and you really want to hear what God has to say to you, please be patient and have some grace for yourself! You don’t hear these messages quickly or easily, especially if you are doubting what comes up for you. But with practice and patience, you will start to hear those messages. And I believe they will give you as much peace as they have me!