Being Grounded: How To Calm Yourself

By Renee Brush, Ph.D.

My experience 

I have said in earlier posts that I have spent my life dissociated, but I realize that some of you reading this may not know what I meant by that. Dissociation is a trauma response where the brain is essentially disconnected from the body in some way. It actually is part of our central nervous system’s flight or fight response. I will write a whole article on dissociation to describe it in a deep way, but right now, the important takeaway is that, when we dissociate, the anxiety and overwhelm take over and our logical brain is no longer in control. In these moments, we lose touch with what we are feeling and experiencing. Dissociation is essentially a way our brain shuts down to protect us from too much emotion. It is a protective mechanism, but, like with anything, too much can be… well, too much. 

Deborah (my therapist for those just reading this for the first time) has described me on a number of occasions (or maybe just once, but who's counting?!) like a balloon who is floating along the Earth, rambling along, never touching the ground and never staying in one place too long. While some may take offense to that description, the moment she said it, I felt very seen and understood. She was describing my whole life. 

Looking back, I have always had big emotions in reaction to things. I don’t think my mother knew how to handle my big emotions when I was very young. Mostly what I can remember is anger, because that usually took a long time for me to get over. Not that I took it out on people. If I was mad at someone, I never told them, but I would hold it inside. And, honestly, I didn’t FEEL angry, I just felt bad or off. I don’t think I ever would have told someone I was angry at them. Actually, I don’t even think, at the time, I would have KNOWN that I was angry. Growing up my parents told me I “couldn’t be angry,” so those feelings were pushed away. Internalized, really, so that I looked more depressed. Instead of speaking my anger to the person (which was a huge no-no), I would blame myself for making them angry. So I grew up with these very big emotions and did not know how to handle them, so I became disconnected from my emotions. Yet, they were always there, even as I tried to avoid them. 

Disconnecting from your emotions is only one way to dissociate. Emotions show up in our bodies as physical sensations and, even if we avoid the emotions, our bodies will still feel the emotions. That’s why I would feel bad or off and not know why. So, if these physical sensations are also uncomfortable, we can also start disconnecting from those as well. As I was going through the Somatic Experiencing training, when they started talking about grounding, I realized that I didn’t feel many sensations below my head. In fact, at around the age of 50, I became aware that I had been bracing my body (holding muscular tension) for pretty much my whole life. My friends would talk about their kidneys hurting or their hearts beating and I would get confused. How could they possibly feel something that was internal like that? I was shocked to find out that my LACK of feeling was the abnormal response, not theirs. One of the instructors stated that not being able to feel one’s heartbeat is a sign of emotion dysregulation. Hearing that made me cry, because that meant I have never regulated my emotions. And now, when I do feel my heartbeat, I also cry, but for joy because that is a sign of progress!

So, obviously, I have felt very uncomfortable in my body essentially since birth. When you are disconnected from your body and mind, you are also probably going to be disconnected from the environment around you. For me, this looked like always multitasking. To this day, I have a hard time just sitting and watching TV. I feel the urge to be doing something else. It also means that I most likely will miss something. I can’t tell you how many times I have to rewind movies to see something I just missed, especially with like mystery shows. This trait can be hard for someone who needs/wants my full attention. Both my daughter and second husband have made comments that they felt the thing that had my attention was more important than them. 

While it seems that I spend a lot of time avoiding most things, if I think I have upset someone or I am worried about something, I can obsess about how to fix the situation. Unfortunately, this might mean that I see problems where none exist. For example, when my daughter doesn’t respond to a text message, I can think she is mad at me (especially if I’m asking her to do something or changing plans), when, in fact, she simply forgot to respond to me. Fixing things and appearing in a certain way are things I was taught from a very young age. They are ingrained in me. I have to work to not do them. Like when I thought someone was mad at me, I would try to do something that would make them happy again. Although in many cases, they weren’t even mad, so my attempts at an apology only confused them. 

Other times I might try to control a situation that then creates anxiety for other people. For example, when I moved into an apartment after my second divorce, I moved in alone. The lease stated that if anyone over the age of 18 moved in, the tenant was supposed to let them know and this person had to be on the lease. Well, my daughter moved in but she was not going to be paying rent, so I never let them know. But then I would have all this anxiety and shame when they came in to do their quarterly checks. I did not want management to find out that I was breaking my lease! I might be kicked out and then where would I live! And I have pitbulls and so few places take those types of dogs!  (Notice the anxiety!) To control all of this, I asked my daughter to stay somewhere else overnight so she would not be at the apartment when they came over. That upset her because she had nowhere to go, so what was she supposed to do? Eventually, I realized what I was doing and I apologized to her. She stayed in her room and I simply warned the maintenance she was in there. 

What is grounding? 

I can’t remember when I first learned about grounding. We spoke about it a lot in my Somatic Experiencing classes and it is generally a part of the Mindfulness tradition. As such, it has roots in the mind-body areas of science. Interestingly enough, the concept was first introduced by Lowen (1958, in Engelhard, Pitluk, & Elboim-Gabyzon, 2021), who was one of the first body psychotherapists. He talked about grounding as being able to be in the “here and now” in mind and body. Being fully present in your body. Grounding includes both the physical and emotional aspects of our selves. The idea is that if we allow our body to be relaxed, with no tension, it allows our emotions (which are simply energy) to flow through and out the body freely. According to Lowen, emotions are meant to flow out of our body through our feet into the earth. Hence, the term “grounding.” While Lowen may have been the first to coin the term, psychotherapist Reich felt his clients would feel safer to open up in a session if their feet were touching the ground. He used this common grounding technique in 1933. Please note that what I am sharing is based on therapy practices. I have not done similar research on the mind-body connection in ancient Eastern medicine or Shamanic practices, which would certainly predate these times. 

Why grounding is important

My experiences I shared earlier are all signs of an activated central nervous system. Once something happens to cause an emotional reaction, our fight/flight response kicks in. I’m not going to go into great detail about this reaction here, but the dissociation, overthinking, and anxiety I described are all signs of this type of response. My body was trying to control the response. But here is the problem: if I sweep dirt under the rug, it is not gone! It is still there! And, with emotions, they will still cause problems. I wasn’t thinking about the emotions, but I was still in a flight/flight response. And I kept feeling off or bad as long as I was in that response. It took me a long time to get over being angry at someone because I was not doing anything with the emotions or the feelings in my body, so it just stayed there.

Let me repeat that - by staying disconnected from my emotions in my body, they just stayed there. 

Now contrast this with what Lowen (in Engelhard et al., 2021) suggested - feeling the emotions in the body while releasing the tension allows that energy to flow through your body and ideally out your feet into the earth. That means that the energy is then gone. That sounds sooo easy, right? 

Let me tell you it is NOT! I remember one of the first times I did this at work. I was having a really hard time writing a report. I noticed I was so fidgety. I couldn’t put a sentence together. I felt sick. I did not feel right at all. I cannot remember now exactly what was wrong, but I do remember I was able to label what I was feeling as anxiety. Thankfully, as a psychologist, I had a couch in my office, so I laid down and probably put on a guided meditation. I actually felt in to the anxiety. What I described above was me avoiding it. When I felt in to it, it was very uncomfortable. I might even have cried. I was also thankful that the door was shut and that I had given myself a two hour lunch! What I remember the most, though, was that the anxiety felt like a wave - it grew to a peak and then it just let go and subsided. At first, it felt like high tide and then it was low tide. And, once it subsided, I was able to breathe again. With a few more minutes, I was able to sit back at my desk and start writing. 

Engelhard and colleagues (2021) reported that there are few articles examining the effectiveness of grounding on emotional regulation. However, the little research that is out there provides evidence that grounding techniques are effective in improving emotional regulation and to reduce symptoms of PTSD and depression (Engelhard et al., 2021).  Participants developed more self-awareness, decreased depression, were better able to control their anger. So, while the area of research is still young, it does appear promising as a way to help us control our emotions. 

How grounding works 

The fight/flight response of our central nervous system occurs when the brain (the physical brain, not our thoughts) begins to feel the body is not safe. It is like a fire alarm signaling. The fire alarm does not know if the smoke in your house is an actual fire or the bacon cooking on your stove. So, it goes off. Once we are aware that there is not a fire in the house, we turn off the fire alarm. As you can see in my examples above, my avoidance allowed my fight/flight responses to continue indefinitely. I did not turn off my internal fire alarm. Grounding allows us to shut off that fire alarm. It essentially disrupts our fight/flight response. Through grounding, we are telling our brain that we are safe and there is no need for alarms. 

Sunset in the Pleasure House Point Natural Area, Virginia Beach, VA

Grounding techniques to reduce anxiety and dissociation 

As I am writing this post, I am writing about times in m past where I felt anxious and dissociated, which serves to bring those feelings up again for me. So, as I am writing, I am listening to calming music and I have lit several relaxing candles. My dogs are around me. And, when I notice tension in my shoulders, I take a deep breath and release the tension. If it feels like I have been sitting here too long, I get up and take a break and do something a bit active. In those breaks, I have had breakfast, taken my medications, taken the dogs outside, cleaned the kitchen, and texted people. 

There are so many different ways to ground yourself, so I am going to cover a list of techniques to give you an idea of what to consider. This is not an exhaustive list, so please feel free to consider what else works for you! There is really no right or wrong choice here. If something helps you be present in your body and feel safe, then that is a good grounding technique for you. 

*A very common grounding technique is the 5-4-3-2-1 method. You name:

• 5 things you see

• 4 things you hear

• 3 things you can touch while seated

• 2 things you smell

• 1 thing you taste

This really gets you in the here and now because you are focused on what is around you, involving all of your senses. If you forget this, simply picking any one of your senses to focus on would help as well. 

*Get physical. The physical sensations might be uncomfortable, but you want to find ways to release these and/or create comfort or a sense of safety. You can clench and then release fists or your shoulders. You can feel your feet on the ground, maybe even push into the ground to feel how solid it feels. Wrap yourself up in a weighted blanket or a bunch of blankets. Sometimes people with a lot of anxiety get relief by running or walking. If you’re angry, try a punching bag.  Dancing or shaking it off could also help. 

*Get mental. No, you’re not crazy or mental for having these responses. But a way to help calm yourself when activated is to find something to stimulate your mind. You can watch funny dog or cat videos. Call a funny friend. Watch a funny show. Count numbers backwards from 1,000 or spell backwards. See if you can name the capitals of all 50 states. 

*Breathe. I know, I know. People always tell you “calm down, take a breath.” But I’m not saying it in that kind of way. There are so many ways to use breath for calming, but the one I want to share with you here actually takes advantage of a little known fact about how our breath works. Inhaling speeds up our heart rate while exhaling slows it down. So, if you are trying to calm down, count your breath and make sure to exhale twice as long as you inhale. The number of counts does not matter - it can be 3 in/6 out, 4 in/8 out, 4 in 10 out - just make sure the exhale is twice as long. Keep doing that until you can feel things settle internally.

*Engage in other sensory activities. I shared with you how I have candles burning and music playing. I also use lotions with lavender or eucalyptus. You can also take a shower or a bath. Have a warm beverage (non-alcoholic preferably, but no judgment!). Any activity that engages your senses will help you get in the here and now. 

*Meditation. I put this here on its own, though it could fit in other categories. If you are new to meditating, I highly recommend trying a short guided meditation first. Also, in moments of crisis, it might be helpful to listen to someone’s calming voice to get you out of your mind. Just remember that it takes practice for your mind to stay focused on what the instructor is saying (which is why I say start short!) I use Insight Timer but there are so many apps that have meditation on them. Use what works best for you. Pick a topic that fits what you are experiencing in the moment. For example, there are meditations called “Soften, Soothe, Allow” (or any variation, really) that will help you deal with a negative emotion. They also have “911” meditations if you are having a panic attack. Insight Timer allows you to search for the need you are having in the moment, which is helpful considering they have tens of thousands of meditations on there. I do have a whole article on meditation that will get posted after the holidays.

How Long Before Grounding Takes Effect?

This is an individual question. If you are only starting, then it is likely that grounding for you can take longer than for others. Think of it as exercise. When you want to run for exercise, you don’t start by running a marathon. You start by training with smaller runs, maybe even walking first. You will need to practice with things that do not create a lot of anxiety for you first. If the first time you practice grounding is when you are having the epic panic attack of your life, it will take a lot longer to calm yourself down. So take it slow and go easy on yourself. Even people who have to start exercising with walking can train to run a marathon!

If you have any other grounding techniques that I have not listed here and you feel called to share, please do so in the comments below! 

References

Engelhard, E. S., Pitluck, M., & Elboim-Gabyzon, M. (2021). Grounding the connection between psyche and soma: Creating a reliable observation tool for grounding assessment in an adult population. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, DOI: 10.3389/fpsyg.2021.621958