The Holidays after Losing a Loved One: How To Cope
Written by Renee Brush, Ph.D.
The holidays are supposed to be special because we spend them with family and friends. We might expect it to be a time when things slow down and we can enjoy catching up with those closest to us. But, if we come from a dysfunctional family, facing the holidays may not feel so magical. And having lost a loved one makes it even more difficult.
Facing the Holidays with a Difficult Family Member
I have a lot of happy memories of the holidays as a child. The magic occurred mostly when I was a younger child, though I guess that might be true for most people. We would visit my Grandma Iva and make all sorts of candies and peanut butter fudge. Later, when we got older, my mom would make the peanut butter fudge and cinnamon rolls with us. Of course, there was decorating the Christmas tree, and I feel like there were more traditions, but I’m having trouble remembering them all now. Still, I enjoyed Christmas as a child.
The difficult times began more when I became an adult and could not always return home for Christmas, which I talked about in the previous post. My mom counted on me being home - I was her Christmas Spirit so she made comments that left me feeling guilty about not being able to go home. As a result, I wanted less and less to go home because the pressure kept building. So, I went less and less. And I enjoyed Christmas less and less. I realized over the past few years that I have had this dread for the holidays, wanting to do very little, including decorate.
Facing the Holidays after Loss
We lost my Grandma Iva when I was in the fifth grade. I don’t remember much about the fifth grade. Of course, I don’t remember much about my childhood period. But, my mom used to talk about how difficult fifth grade was for me, which was unusual since school was incredibly easy for me. Earning A’s was nothing. But in the fifth grade, I had to fight to not get C’s. As I think back to my grandma’s funeral, I can feel the sadness I had and I can imagine how difficult Christmas had to have been that year. Grandma Iva was my person. She was my unconditional love and support. Just typing this and I am flooded by all of the happy memories of her that I have. Like the way she would have us sleep with our butts touching when I was visiting because she would say that is how you show someone you love them. Or the time she stayed with us while our parents went away for a week in the winter and she warmed the car up every single morning before driving us to school. She is the one person who could have made my life easier had she been alive into my teens. Losing her was devastating to me. I don’t think Christmas was ever the same for me after that. And writing this now is showing me how much I still miss her.
We lost my mom in 2010, in the first part of November. Right as the holidays were starting. This loss was more difficult than losing Grandma Iva because I had a conflictual relationship with my mom. The loss brought my sister and I together for those two months. We talked daily after I returned from the funeral so we could plan for Christmas and figure out how to get through. Our emotions were more raw for my mom. Grandma Iva had passed in the summer, so we had some time to heal before the holidays. I spent as much time at my dad’s home for Christmas that year as I could. It was helpful to spend time with family, although it still wasn’t easy. I was sad, of course, and I had a lot of trouble sleeping while I was there. Christmas generally has been pretty difficult for me ever since 2010 because of my relationship with her, although I am working on that.
Photo by Patrice Bouchard on Unsplash
Coping with Loss During the Holiday
I wish there was a way to make this easy for all of us, but sadly I cannot. Loss is never easy. All we can do is find ways to make it easier on us.
Knowledge is power. Grief is the hardest the first year after losing someone. That means all the first birthdays (yours and theirs) and the first holidays are going to be tough. There is no sugar-coating this, and, for that, I am sorry. But this is normal and it is ok. We expect people to be “done” with their grief way too soon. Or we want to be done with it and we get frustrated that it takes so long. However, we make it easier on ourselves if we just accept the fact that it will be difficult and then PREPARE for it. And that is what the rest of the list is for - to help you prepare.
Allow yourself to grieve. Obviously, this goes hand-in-hand with the last one, but, even if this is not the first Christmas after losing a loved one, it is still ok to be sad that someone is not with you. If you feel the need, it is ok to cry. If you need to cry but can’t do it in front of others, go to your room or the bathroom. Take the time you need. Allowing the sadness to simply be there will help it run its course and then it will be released, rather than building up like water at a dam.
Avoid if necessary too. If the grief becomes overwhelming, it is ok to take breaks. Trust me - I spent most of my life dissociated, so I know the value of avoidance! You may be around family who cannot tolerate emotions or with whom you do not feel safe. Or it might simply be too much for you. If that is the case, know that it is ok to not feel the grief for a period of time. You can find ways to distract yourself, like a funny TV show or movie or good company. Just know that, at some point, you will want to revisit the grief to process it in a healthy way. But it is ok to wait to process it until you feel ready to do so or are in a safe place.
Surround yourself with people you trust. I have mentioned safety/trust a couple times already so it seem like overkill to make it its own paragraph, but I think people who grow up in generational trauma/dysfunction do not recognize that we have to make effort to find a “circle of trust” - a set of people with whom we can feel safe. People who help us feel at ease. Who accept and love us unconditionally. (Side note: If this is only one person, that is fine. At least you have one person. If you do not even have one person, let’s make that a goal for next year.)
Take time for yourself. If you go to see family or are around other people in some kind of way, you may find yourself feeling overwhelmed or like the walls are closing in on you. Please know this is normal in grief. It is a sign that you need some time for yourself. This will especially be true if you are around people who require a lot of your energy to handle. Hopefully, you will have your own space, like a bedroom, to where you can retreat for a short period of time. There is always the bathroom as a last resort. While you have that time to yourself, engage in activities that will help you feel grounded and returned to your center, such as deep breathing or affirmations. Obviously, we are not fixing anything in these moments, we are only working to calm the storms that are stirring inside you. It is easier to manage the storms outside if we have calm inside, though I do admit it takes practice.
Figure out what you need. If you are like me and are moving into the holiday season with some dread, you may want to take back the holiday season for yourself, for what you always enjoyed in it before this loss. Personally, I have been trying to figure out how to make the holiday more of my own celebration that is free from obligation but fills me up with that joy and magic that I remember from childhood. One thing I have done is watch Christmas movies whenever I want. Christmas in July, great! Christmas movie marathons starting in October, I’m on it! And with no guilt. Decorating and music are coming in at their own pace. We are in a new house this year and my daughter and I are going to decorate like we have not done in YEARS. We’re talking lights outside, garland hanging around the house, a real tree. The whole shebang! I can feel the excitement just describing it to you! But, I am ready for it this year. Be honest in what you are ready for. Don’t want a tree? Or lights? Ok! Do what feels right for you. In the end, that is what will make this holiday season more special for you. The one suggestion I will have is to consider what will help you feel more at ease this year. The first year after my second divorce, I wanted a tree, but I didn’t have the energy for a big show, so I bought a miniature tree with lights already on it and I bought tiny ornaments to go on it. I had a small piece of Christmas magic and it was perfect!
Create a new tradition that will honor your lost loved one. I was in Kohl’s last week and I found Christmas decor that has cardinals on it. Cardinals are my sign that my mom, my maternal grandmother, and maternal great grandfather are with me. I will be getting a couple of those pieces to decorate my house because it will be like I am including them in my holiday. Every time I look at them or use them (for example, one is a spoon rest), I will think of them. As a teen, we would make my grandmother’s peanut butter fudge as a way to keep part of her tradition alive. Think about something your loved one enjoyed doing during the holiday season and do that thing! It doesn’t have to be anything grand. My mother used to love watching “Miracle on 34th Street” or “A Christmas Carol.” Honoring her could be as simple as watching one of those movies. The first time you do this, it may be just enough to simply do the activity. But, if you can and when you are ready, as you do the activity, think of them. Remember what it was like to be around them. Feel into anything that comes up for you. In that moment, you will be experiencing their energy and that will mean their spirit is with you. Relish that moment. Know that they are always with us.
Find the magic in other ways. I have listed only a few ways that you can find ways to take some comfort this holiday season after losing a loved one - and perhaps maybe even enjoy the season. But, my ideas are limited to what comes to my mind. Other ideas might come up for you. You may think about volunteering at a soup kitchen, food bank, or animal shelter. Or your hometown may have events that interest you. Pay attention to what catches your attention and be willing to go with whatever comes to mind. If it comes up enough times, that might be a sign that the activity is meant for you.
It is tough to keep our hearts open after we have lost someone we love. If this post was meant for you, I am terribly sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to you. I pray that healing comes your way and that some of these tips will help you not close off your heart. Instead, I hope you can find some peace and maybe even some joy this holiday season.
If you feel called, I would love to hear what holiday traditions you are considering keeping alive this holiday season!
