Finding Joy Even During The Toughest Times

Dec 20

Written by Renee Brush, Ph.D.

It might seem odd that I saved the topic of finding joy for this informal series on preparing for the holidays until right before Christmas. Or maybe it only seems odd to me. Although when I talked about these thoughts with a friend, they reminded me that joy is at the top of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, so it made sense to them that this topic would come near the end, especially since my own interest in finding joy only started within the past year.

A life of depression - when you can’t find joy

When I look back over my life, I do not remember a time when I was not depressed. I remember in elementary school that I did not have many friends and I tended to stay to myself. I told you about my neighbor who was my friend but also a bully, so we were not always on speaking terms. I remember once being in a class where I was assigned to sit at a desk with two chairs with Angie, who was one of the popular girls. We got along well. I think she actually liked me because she invited me to her birthday party one year. But I never felt comfortable around her. I can only remember one friend from that school with whom I felt truly comfortable.

Of course, I don’t have many memories of elementary or middle school. We moved right at the end of my seventh grade year. I had more friends at the new school, but I never really had a lot of friends. And I never felt part of a group - even when my friends were part of a group. Honestly, I never really felt like I belonged anywhere.

What I remember of my home life is that I spent most of my time in my room, by myself. Or talking to one of my friends on the phone for hours on end. That probably was a teen thing. But I generally felt numb most of the time. Or down. And I definitely did not feel good about myself.

That continued throughout my life. When I got married, I at least had someone who would want to go places and do things. And I would have to keep the house clean and make dinners and such. Most of what I did in my life when I was younger felt like it was done out of obligation - like I was a robot doing what I was told to do.

Once I was divorced and I was on my own, the depression took over. I didn’t have anyone telling me what I had to do anymore, so there was no more obligation. The only obligation I had was to go to work.

So, I would go to work, which at the time was in retail, and act “happy” but then go home and be exhausted. I had my daughter by this time, so, sadly, she got the tired me. I would make her dinner, but playing with her or cleaning was very difficult. My house was generally a mess and always cluttered. We moved several times in the first few years being on our own and the boxes never went away.

I was always tired. So I would sleep in on my days off, even though she would get up early. I was so closed off that I didn’t really know how to play with her. She learned how to entertain herself on those mornings. One morning, when I finally got up, I found out she was trying to help mommy out - by making me coffee… she got out a big pot, filled it with water and dumped a bag of coffee grounds in it. I found her stirring it up in the carpeted living room. She was four at the time and so sweet, thinking of me.

Or is it a life of anxiety?

I would like to say that moment finding my daughter making me coffee was my wake up call, but it was not. It was several more years before I started to get help. I had tried therapy right after my first husband and I separated but that therapist challenged me in ways that were shocking to me before I had developed any level of trust for her. I only went about six times. I didn’t start truly getting help until my daughter was in the sixth grade, when I started to see the effects my own mental health (and her dad’s - he deserves credit too) was having on her.

At that time, I was in my 40s and I was finally realizing that I truly dealt with anxiety. It would be several more years before I would learn that my therapist, Deborah, had diagnosed me with Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). In graduate school, I was learning more and more about trauma and dissociation and I was beginning to understand exactly how disconnected from my emotions I was. I finally understood that I had been dissociated much of my life.

Between therapy and my training in Somatic Experiencing, where I was learning how to feel into the physical sensations, I began to see how much anxiety I had in my everyday life. Going to the grocery store suddenly became difficult because I found I couldn’t navigate the aisles with even a couple people. I remember my daughter and I went to the New Jersey shore and, as someone who was always labeled a “speed demon,” I suddenly was freaked out by other people driving faster than me. I did not want to go to parties where I did not feel completely comfortable, which meant even declining the office Christmas party.

COVID was a huge relief to me - as it was to many - because it was “carte blanche” to say “no” to pretty much everything. It actually allowed me to focus on self-care in a way that I had not allowed myself ever before. When my healing journey really hit the hard spots, I had quit seeing clients after my own therapy session because I was too emotional. But, during COVID, I started taking naps, or at least laying down, after my therapy sessions. Maybe I cried. Maybe I slept. Maybe I stared out the window. What I didn’t do is expect that I would be productive during that time.

Oddly enough, during COVID, I actually healed. I became more regulated. I developed better emotional boundaries. I developed better sleep habits. I started to lose weight and even exercise. And then I began to wonder…

Is this all there is?

After a lifetime of depression and anxiety, I was looking forward to my future and wondering what I had to look forward to?

My life only involved work and sometimes spending time with my daughter and, very rarely, with friends. I rarely took time off. I didn’t go anywhere. I don’t take my dogs places. I haven’t saved any money up to do anything I would like to. I don’t have a partner to do things with - and had actively chosen to not find one. I have no hobbies.

As I felt better and looked at my life, it was actually very depressing!

The effects of finding joy

My realizations about my bleak future came about the time my spiritual awakening started. That was when I met Susan, who was running a class on finding joy. I signed up.

It was a 7-day intensive course designed to change our focus on the negative in our daily experience and instead find the positive in our daily experience. So simple, yet so powerful.

This is not to say to ignore sadness or anger, which are part of our human experiences. That would be unhealthy and I would not encourage that. We need to feel those emotions and then let them go.

But anxiety and sometimes even depression can lie to us and cause us to focus on aspects of life that we cannot control. Rather, choosing to cut the ties from those emotions and focusing instead on something positive can help us feel more control over our emotions and our lives. In the end, it’s a win for us.

In the field of psychology, this is called Behavioral Activation (BA) and is considered part of Behavioral Therapy. It is actually part of learning theory where a person receives positive reinforcement (feeling good) from engaging in an enjoyable activity. Meta-analyses, which are summaries of many research studies that have been completed, show that BA is effective as a treatment for adults (Ekers et al., 2014) and children (Malik et al., 2021). What is most interesting is that Malik and his colleagues provided evidence that making the activities personally meaningful to the clients were more effective in helping the youth reduce symptoms of depression.

How to find joy

What I learned in my class on finding joy is that our thoughts have the power to create our reality. If we focus on our anxiety or depression all the time, we will be anxious and depressed ALL THE TIME. So, first, we have to identify the thoughts that keep us stuck. For example, a common thought for me is “I am so tired.” I had to catch that thought and have a way to challenge it so it would not prevent me from doing something different. So, that might sound like, “Yes, I may be tired, but spending a few minutes doing this one thing will actually help me feel better.” By doing this as many times as needed, the thought will eventually no longer stop me from doing something pleasurable. And, yes, that might mean repeating the process a million times!

The next step is then finding something that you feel called to do. That part might also be challenging, especially if you have spent your life doing what others have wanted you to do. So, here are some tips on finding things that might bring you some joy.

What did you enjoy doing as a child? I always wanted to do art as a child and I have been dabbling in it. I’m not good by any means, but I am learning and enjoying the process. I also would love to learn how to play the piano. One day.

When do you feel the most alive? For me, this is being out in nature, like when I’m hiking. There is so much peace and relaxation out there. Unfortunately, I don’t do it enough. Another thing that helps me feel alive - but many may not think about - is when I am feeling fully present, especially when I am feeling grateful. When I am letting the dogs out, I like to stand outside and take a deep breath and just enjoy the outdoors, the fresh air, my view, for a moment.

What would you do if you were not afraid? This will sound very weird, but this year I have been to a baby shower AND a Christmas party with people that have become like family to me. In prior years, I declined invitations from them in the past due to fear. I am glad I went though.

What is something you used to enjoy doing but gave up because of something someone said? I have shared before how I have given up decorating for Christmas due to the relationship with my mom, but also in part with the conflict with my second husband. Taking that back this year has brought me immense joy.

What is something you have heard of and thought would be interesting to try out? Years ago, I tried ziplining. That was great fun, but I also like roller coasters. This doesn’t have to be an activity that costs money. It could be a movie, a book, or music. Or food. Recently, I was at a craft market and found a woman who made a peanut butter cookie stuffed with a full-sized Reese’s peanut butter cup. That brought me a lot of joy that day!

That cookie is a great example that whatever this item/activity is that is bringing us joy does not have to be lengthy or expensive or involved. It can be something simple and last only a few minutes. It will be helpful though if we can find something each day that brings us joy.

So, what will bring you joy today? For me, it is gratitude that I get to share my joys with you.

References

Ekers, D., Webster, L., Van Straten, A., Cujipers, P., Richards, D., & Gilbody, S. (2014). Behavioural activation for depression: An update of meta-analysis of effectiveness and sub group analysis. PLoS One, 9(6). DOI: 10.1371/journal.pone.0100100

Malik, K., Ibrahim, M., Bernstein, A., Venkatesh, R. K., Rai, T., Chorpita, B., & Patel, B. (2021). Behavioral Activation as an ‘active ingredient’ of interventions addressing depression and anxiety among young people: a systematic review and evidence synthesis. BMC Psychology (9, 150). DOI: 10.1186/s40359-021-00655-x