Rethinking Family: Choosing The People You Want In Your Life

Written by Renee Brush, Ph.D.

Recently, a client of mine was married in a small ceremony with just her closest friends present. This is how she wanted it. In the session after, she expressed sadness that she was unable to have family members present. Her feelings are valid, of course, but we reframed the thought that she did not have family there because everyone who is not only important but also safe to her was present on her special day. 

That conversation inspired this post (with her approval!) and I want to talk about it as we are in the thick of the holidays. How many of us are stressed about spending the holidays with our family of origin (meaning, our family that we grew up with)? How many of us would rather spend the holidays with people who are not our family of origin? 

Christmas with a toxic family member

I think I have said before that my mom relied on me for her Christmas spirit, though it was not obvious to me until I had moved to another state. Growing up, there were always comments about how my dad was a “Grinch” or a “Scrooge” and my sister was only “in it” for the gifts, but I - now I - had Christmas spirit. Don’t ask what I did differently that my dad or sister didn’t do, because I couldn't tell you. My dad loved playing his role. In fact, he’d walk around saying, “Bah humbug!” Maybe that was his way of surviving this role in which she had him placed. I played my role, too, by being in the Christmas spirit - so much so that, when I started to do my healing, Christmas and my mom were very deeply connected and I lost that spirit for many years. I had to cut the cords between her and Christmas in order to find my way back to loving the holiday. This is the first year I have truly been able to love Christmas on my own for what I want it to be. 

You can’t choose your family

This old adage is so obvious - you are born to your family. And often they end up raising you. I know there are people who do not get raised by their biological parents, but even if someone is adopted, they might not be the one choosing for the adoption to happen. All parents, even those who choose to adopt, can be abusive, although not all are, thankfully.

Research suggests that 60% of families are healthy and parents from these families are able to raise securely-attached children who become adults with healthy relationships (note: attachment will be a future post) (e.g., Rees, 2007). That’s great. As a psychologist, though, it’s hard to believe that number because none of my clients are securely attached. I’m not either. But we are all working on it. 

I went away to college once I graduated high school. I didn’t realize then that I was escaping. And during a family summer vacation while I was in college, I met the man that was going to become my first husband. He was in the navy and, as soon as I graduated college, I moved out of Michigan to Virginia. More escaping. That was when things started to become a bit more obvious. 

Not only was I responsible for her Christmas spirit, I was also responsible in some way for her emotional state. She decided that we would talk every Sunday. I think she even set it up like at 7pm. I don’t know how long we did that. If I didn’t call or didn’t do something that she wanted me to do, she had comments that were intended to cause me to feel guilt. And I did. I felt guilty all the time. I generally did what she wanted me to do just so that I would not feel the guilt. 

We lived in Virginia. My parents were in Michigan and my in-laws lived in Connecticut. There was no sharing the holidays. We had to choose. My mother would always say that she understood when we chose to go to Connecticut, but then she would make those comments about how she “wasn’t feeling it” this year because “you know how your dad and sister are,” in that tone of voice. Even writing about, I can feel my chest constrict and I’m having trouble breathing. It really was insufferable. 

It was not my job to make her happy for the holidays. Or any day of the year. But she made it so. And it made me not want to spend any time with her. 

My mom was the “covert” type of abusive. She would give anyone the shirt off her back just so she could brag about how she was able to help someone out. I admit we were spoiled as kids, but I truly believe it was so that she could tell her friends about how she had nothing as a child and look at all she could do for her kids. Anything that made her look good. The only compliment I ever remember receiving from her (to my sister and I one time when we were dressed up for some occasion) was, “You girls have shapely calves. You can thank me for that.” 

Not only did I not want to spend a lot of time with her, I couldn’t really talk to her about issues that were bothering me. She would tell me I was being too sensitive or I couldn’t be mad at someone. I needed to “just let it go.” And then she would change the subject. 

No support, no empathy, no acceptance, no unconditional love. 

My daughter, with whom I chose to spend time, and I on top of Mount Washington, NH

But you can choose your friends

I have told enough of my story that you know I have been divorced twice. When you grow up with someone like my mom, especially when it is covert and subliminal, it is normal to you. And we tend to replicate those same relationships as we move outside the family of origin. Both husbands and countless friends were a lot like my mom. They are no longer in my life. Healing allows you to see reality and start making choices. 

Reaching out to people has always been difficult for me. So when I moved away from a place, I tended not to stay in touch with people. I did get back in touch with those people that were supportive and healthy after I lost my mom, thanks to Facebook. Not that I talk to them a lot. Reaching out is still tough. Some people understand that - and I appreciate those who do understand that, because it has never been anything personal. 

But as I started to trust myself and what I felt inside physically, I started to notice when I felt comfortable and safe with people - and when I did not. This goes back to the “yes” and “no” energy I have talked about before. I simply focused on those people with whom I felt safe (“yes” energy) and have set boundaries or not contacted those where I did not feel safe (“no” energy). 

I am now very careful about the people I choose to be around. That does not mean I won’t meet someone new. But initial vibes go a long way to determine if I will make the effort to get to know someone. If an initial conversation with someone goes easily and it seems like we have a lot in common, I might follow up. Otherwise, that might be the end of it. And that’s ok! 

The holidays your way

If you are reading this blog, chances are good your family is a lot like mine. So I hope this gives you some thought - or perhaps permission to do things a bit different. You may still have to spend some time with your family. That’s fine. 

We are born into a family, but we are not obligated to spend the holidays with them, no matter what they tell you, especially if we do not feel safe around them. We all deserve to celebrate holidays and big occasions in a peaceful manner and with people that allow us to feel safe and accepted. If that is not your family, then you get to choose who that is. 

And if that is not your family of origin, please don’t sell yourself short when it comes to the people living in your own home. Family does not have to be a mom, dad, and two or more siblings. It can be two partners. It can be a parent and child. It can be a person and their animals. It can be two dads and a child/children or two moms. Obviously this list is not exhaustive so please feel free to add your own combination.

Family can be whatever you want it to be. I really want to normalize that! 

Who is your chosen family?

If you cannot - or do not - see your family of origin, then consider who your chosen family is. Certainly this includes your partners, significant others, children, and pets.

Also consider spending some of that time with your close friends. Those who will help you have some peace at this crazy time of year. Maybe you can even start a new tradition for your holidays that is your own version of a “Friendsgiving” but for your own holiday, whatever that might be. 

If you are not sure yet who your chosen family is, it is ok to take this holiday season and really pay attention to those around you. Who accepts you and what you say exactly as is without trying to change it or telling you you should feel differently? Who guilts you into doing what they want to do? Or who ignores your boundaries when you set them? Or tries to convince you that your boundaries are wrong? 

Once you get a feel for how people treat you, you can start making plans for next year - or even the next holiday. I suspect this will bring you some peace. And perhaps even some healing. Nothing more validating than being around people who accept and support you exactly as you are. 

I am fortunate that I have a daughter, dad, sister, niece, and nephew that I want to spend time with (as well as extended family that are way too many to name but want to add in here in case they ever read this!). But I also am very fortunate that the friends I have in my life are my chosen family. I pray that you also find a chosen family for your own life as well. And then spend as much time with them as you can! For they will help bring peace and safety into your life! 

References

Rees, C. (2007). Childhood attachment. British Journal of General Practice, 57(544), 920-922.