By Renee Brush, Ph.D.

One of my goals this year was to be more consistent in taking action. And it doesn’t feel like that is happening. I’ve been having a hard time still getting things done I would like to get done. My desk at work is a mess. I can’t use my dinner table at home because of all of the stuff on it. When I sit something down somewhere, it usually stays there for awhile. It takes me weeks to open my mail. And when I do open it, I usually leave a pile of papers on my coffee table to do something with it later, but it remains there for weeks. For example, I will set aside coupons that I want to use for things like glasses or groceries, but forget about them. When I go to pick up the coupon, it’s expired by 2-3 months!

Many of my clients also experience dissociation. They may describe the way they approach the week as being on “auto-pilot.” And this is pretty accurate. They are doing just what they need to get by for the week. I have been working with most of my clients for 5-6 years and so they have learned how to be more emotionally stable. Most of them do not have crises every week and so most weeks are pretty calm. The same is true for me too. And when they notice they are on auto-pilot, many get concerned or upset.  

The Positive Side of Dissociation

There are many different reasons why people dissociate. For a detailed explanation of dissociation, please check out my first post on this subject. But, for today’s post, it is important to know that feeling dissociated is a valid response to what you’ve been through if you have experienced any type of trauma or abuse. Your mind developed this coping mechanism as a way to protect itself during overwhelming moments. It doesn’t mean you’re failing or not handling things well—it means your mind is adapting in its own way. And, when you again feel stressed or overwhelmed, your mind can resort to dissociating as a way to protect you. 

As I said before, many of my clients get mad when they dissociate. I get it! Back when I was learning to be embodied at my Somatic Experiencing (SE) trainings and actually getting back into my body, I also got very mad at myself when I came home and was dissociated again within a week or two. What I was not giving myself credit for though was the fact that I worked in a place that was toxic so I had a lot of stress and overwhelm. I learned after several weekends of the SE training that, when your body is used to dissociating, being embodied actually takes up more energy and so it is harder for our bodies to be embodied. So, default coping mechanisms, which is what dissociation is for me and my clients, WILL take over. 

And that is normal! I cannot emphasize that enough.

Getting Tasks Done While Dissociated

While I will not argue against the fact that it’s generally preferable to approach tasks with your full presence and focus, acknowledging that dissociation may occur is essential for getting your task list done. Accepting that it’s okay to be dissociated while working allows you to prioritize your mental well-being and implement coping strategies. Rather than fostering guilt or frustration, understanding that fluctuations in focus are a natural part of the human experience encourages a more compassionate approach to productivity. With this understanding, you have an opportunity to practice self-care and to create a more flexible approach to getting those tasks done. 

Let’s start with strategies focused on the tasks themselves and later we will look at some self-care strategies. 

Preparing for Tasks

If you are like many of my clients, you may have a to-do list already. If not, I would recommend starting one so you can have a visual representation of what needs to be done. Some people like to have ALL the things listed, but maybe you can start with what needs to be done this week or even today. Keep it as simple as possible.

Once you have a list, look at  the tasks. Is there any way you can break a task into smaller steps. For example, if you have “clean the kitchen” on the list, can you break it down smaller tasks, such as “wipe off the counter,” “put the dishes into the dishwasher,” etc. I had given this suggestion to one of my clients and it made a huge difference in her ability to get things done. “Clean the kitchen” sounds like a lot and like it might take too much energy, but “wipe off the counter” sounds much easier to achieve - and it might only take 5 minutes. 

Another thing to consider is how easy or difficult the task is. The website “Task Management Guide” discusses dividing tasks into those that are automatic versus controlled. Automatic tasks are those things you can do with your eyes closed or with little thought. For example, putting dishes in the dishwasher or wiping down the kitchen counter are tasks that do not require much thought. Controlled tasks are those that require intentional thought and maybe even a lot of energy. For example, writing these blog posts would be a controlled task. You can then use that division to help you decide what tasks you will be doing. On the more difficult days, you can focus more on automatic tasks and then, when you feel good, focus more on the controlled tasks. Or start with automatic tasks to build up some momentum and then move to controlled tasks. 

Finally, prioritize the tasks based on urgency. What truly needs to be done first. For example, laundry might be way more important because you are out of clean underwear! Putting dishes in the dishwasher might not be as important as wiping off the counter - or vice versa depending on what you feel. And I offer that “vice versa” because what might work for me might not work for you!

Task Execution

Now that we have prepared for the tasks we want to get done, now we move on to getting those things done. But how?!!

First off, it might be good to start with small, manageable tasks. Consider the automatic tasks we discussed earlier. What is the easiest to do and quickest to complete? Nothing like feeling like you are starting off strong to make us feel empowered and accomplished! That also might spur your motivation to help you get more things done!

But, if you are really feeling out of it, maybe it a good idea to start with the most important thing on your list. I tell my clients (and myself) all the time - if you can only get one thing done today, then so be it! Give yourself permission to do just that one thing. We will end up feeling better if we give ourselves this permission.

Also consider where your energy is the best. If you have more energy and more brain power in the morning, then it might be best to do the important and controlled tasks first thing in the morning. Or even 30 minutes after you have taken your medication. Or maybe after lunch when you feel the most awake. You know yourself better than anyone else, so pay attention to when your energy and brain power feel the best - and use that to time your tasks.

As you are working, take breaks when needed. I don’t care if you have only been working 5 minutes, 30 minutes, or an hour - if your body is telling you it needs a break, listen to it! Take the  break. If you are afraid of not getting back up again, you can set a timer to remind you to get back to work. But honestly, if you are having trouble getting  back up again,, even with a timer, maybe it is just not your day to work. Maybe then your body is telling you that you need a rest. I have plenty of clients who push themselves way past their body’s breaking point and then end up needing 2-3 days to recover because they didn’t rest.

And, finally, set realistic time frames for your tasks. I know I have a hard time knowing if a task will take me 10 minutes or an hour. If you are having trouble deciding  how long something will take you, I would average between them… maybe I can give myself 30 minutes to do it. But also knowing me, it might actually take the whole hour. 

Self-care

So, we have discussed all the various ways to prepare and then execute your tasks. But, just because it is ok to be dissociated, especially when your life is stressful and overwhelming, you still need to take care of yourself throughout the process. So the rest of the suggestions are about self-care.

Grounding Techniques 

Dissociation technically means that you are “disembodied,” meaning disconnected from your body and your emotions. That can feel various ways to different people, so you will have to figure out how it feels specifically to you. To help you out, I have done a post on this that can help you get started - see my post on this topic - figuring out what this is like to you. Typically, the strategies to get out of dissociation are grounding techniques. I won’t talk about them individually because I shared those strategies in that previous post. But, these strategies include somehow engaging your senses (e.g., naming what you see or hear), deep breathing or other mindfulness exercises, and using physical anchors (e.g., holding an object or wearing a weighted vest). 

Seeking Support

Support is also really important for those of use who dissociate. Healing actually occurs within healthy relationships. Share your experiences with someone you trust. This is very important because someone who has hurt you will use these experiences against you. You deserve to have support from someone who cares about you and does NOT want to hurt you more. They may be able to help you figure out the right game plan for you to get things done. Or maybe they will encourage you to take a break and validate you for that need. 

Also, ask for help if you need it. This trusted person may be able to help you out in a way that is beneficial to you. They might be able to be your accountability partner. For example, you can say, “I want to get this one thing done,” and they can help make sure you get it done. Also, an ADHD hack that I found useful is a “body double.” The person can sit with you to keep you company while you are working. They don’t have to work, but maybe they can help you complete your tasks as well. Better yet, maybe they need to do some work as well and the two of you can work in proximity to each other so you both can stay on task but with another human nearby. Of course, you will want to make sure you don’t talk the whole time! 

Sometimes having someone near us can help us feel calmer and more focused, especially if  you have chosen your person well. The idea of calming your nervous system with a trusted person is called coregulation and I have written on this as well, so check that post out for other suggestions.

Reflection and Self-Care

Once you have completed the day, reflect on what you have done. Pat yourself on the back for a good job! Don’t let humility get in the way here - if you were able to accomplish something that was difficult, heap on the compliments for yourself! Because, honestly, you deserve it! Too many people in our past have taken the time to put us down. So, it is our job to lift ourselves up, even if it feels uncomfortable. 

We also want to practice self-compassion. Acknowledging and accepting dissociation as a survival strategy is a powerful step toward self-compassion. It’s okay to give yourself permission to feel detached when needed. After all, it is a sign that your brain is trying to protect you. Remind yourself that this state will only be temporary, especially if you are taking care of yourself. 

Lastly, if you haven’t started to see a therapist yet and are having this type of trouble, I strongly encourage you to consider finding a therapist. Your trusted friends can be supportive and help you get some of these things done. But they cannot help you process your history and find ways of coping. And, if you haven’t thought about it yet, I have a post on this as well. Check it out here.

As you are figuring out how to get things done, it is really important that you are gentle with yourself, seek support when you can, and celebrate the strength it takes to move forward on your unique journey of recovery. Remember, healing is a process, and you’re navigating it in your own time and manner. And there’s nothing wrong with that!